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“She’s the kind of girl,
who’s not too shy.
And I can tell,
I’m her kind of guy.
She danced close to me,
like I hoped she would…”


Herman’s Hermit’s
I’m Into Something Good

I hate it when people cut their toenails in close proximity to my being. Granted, it’s a task that needs to be done on occasion. I just don’t like to be near it when it transpires. I don’t think that makes me a “bad” person or anything. I just don’t like it.

Sometimes, though, it can’t be helped. The clipping of the toenails is one of those tasks that people don’t put high on their priority list. It’s just not that high up. And that’s OK….so they put it off until they’re in a hotel room with the one they love.

Usually it’s after dinner and before Iron Chef.

Personally, I do it while I’m killing time on the can. That’s when I notice it and that’s when I attend to it. I kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

It’s just the audible that I can’t stand.

(clip, clip,…it’s like nails on a blackboard….)

Yeah.

Anyway…

“All Alone, I Sit Home By The Phone,
Waiting For You, Baby.
Through The Years,
How Can You Stand To Hear,
My Pleading For You Dear?
You Know I’m Crying Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh….”

Paul McCartney/Michael Jackson
Say, Say, Say.

The time is getting late. I have nothing to say because I’m in a panic to get to bed. I can’t get to bed because I feel like I have something to say. Even though I have nothing to say, I feel like I can’t get to bed until I say something. There’s just nothing to say. I want to say something but I don’t feel like it’s the right thing to say. If I said what I wanted to, I’m afraid I would regret it and I would regret the things I say. But words not said are words said in haste.

Like,…ummm,…Paul McCartney actually recorded with Michael Jackson? (You gotta be kidding me!? Really!? Good heavens….where have I been?…just take me out behind the garage and shoot me now!…)

Anyway,…

“I like mine with lettuce and tomato,
Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes,
Big kosher pickle and a cold draught beer,
Well, good God Almighty which way do I steer…”


Jimmy Buffett
Cheesburger In Paradise


“People need some reason to believe…


Jackson Browne
Running On Empty

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in the wonderful world of fast food. It seems they’re raising their prices in collusion with each other. They’re bumping up their prices in a silent solidarity with each other.

Have you noticed this?

A Big Mac sandwich costs exactly four dollars now. A Whopper now costs exactly four dollars now. Do you know why this is?

I do.

It’s because of that candy-ass crap a month or two ago when the fast food workers were going out on that wild-cat strike until $15 became their wage! It didn’t last long. It wasn’t even effective for the most part. Pretty much, nothing came of it. But corporate heads probably saw it a lot differently. They saw it as that whole “Occupy Wall Street” schtick that worked soooo well a few years ago.

So, what did they do in retaliation? They up the prices because the peasants that work for them have become a bit unhinged. It also begs the question,….If they failed in their quest and things are still as right as rain, why stick it to the consumer who simply patronizes their establishments?

The answer is this….(and this is the right answer because I know everything.)…the answer is, plain and simple, corporate greed. There! I said it! Corporate greed!

Yeah.

(pause)

What was I sayin’?….Oh, yeah.

Anyway, ya know how when you’re runnin’ on pure adrenaline for, like, three days straight? You don’t eat much, you sleep less…and are pretty much bitchy with people that surround you?….not to mention over-using the “dot, dot, dot” when you write an essay?

I’d like to say I was like that, but I really wasn’t. I was actually pretty cordial for the most part…..but I was pretty roached.

I’m getting old. Let’s face it,…my wonder years are behind me. Not old in the respect that I’m still in my forties. Forties are not old unless you’re my niece and wonder how short of a time it is before I die.

I mean, according to her, I could buy a dog as a puppy right now and there’s a very good chance that it will out-live me. That’s Ok. That’s fine…

But I have a fourteen-year-old dog who stands a good chance at out living me. He does! I don’t think this dog will ever die. I think he wishes to die when wakes up and can’t control his bladder long enough to get outside. Right now he’s in what I call, “Unrestricted hospice”. We keep him comfortable and feed him cheese,…but we know he’s not long for this earth.

Neither am I….

(pause)

What was I sayin’?….oh, yeah….

Jimmy Buffett really blows, man. I can’t see what people see in him….

He really sucks.

Anyway,….

“The grocery store’s the super mart,
uh huh
Little girls still break their hearts,
uh huh
And men still keep on marching off to war,
Electrically they keep a baseball score,…”


The Beat Goes On
Sonny And Cher

‘Tis the ending of another banal 7 day week. Nothing portends evil like the waking moment of a clammy and cold October Monday morning,…but, alas, that is a mere two days away and I have less on my plate tonight then I did when I started this odyssey in the early afternoon hours of this particular day.

I had to run to the bank and was forced to tarry there (far longer than I wanted to) due to the fact that it took four tellers to attend to the man that was parked outside in the drive-through,….no doubt attending to multiple (and possibly questionable) transactions from the comfort and safety of his own vehicle.

I was patently ignored. The man who actually got out of his vehicle and took the time to walk into said bank,…was, indeed, put on hold in favor of the ne’er-do-well who thought it perfectly ok to not leave his vehicle whilst conducting MULTIPLE transactions.

After my business there was complete, I motored over to my other bank so as to withdraw some farthings that might be needed during the course of this fine autumnal evening.

I withdrew the 20 bucks from the ATM and went on my way.

Has my life really sunk to this? Go to the bank, pay bills, go get a 20 spot that I can’t afford and then get a cheap sandwich to lunch upon while I work my increasingly boring job?

That’s all fine and good. I don’t care. I pay the bills and keep food on the table. I should be grateful for that,…not being in the red and all,…it’s just the dashed balmy-ness of it all.

I will do something crazy here and just take a random picture of something. How’s that?

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My Paul McCartney bass laying on dirty socks and underwear near the dresser in my room. That was pretty exciting, wasn’t it? (I actually left it there because I will be recording a soundtrack for a movie on Sunday during the Steelers/Browns game.)

I did a list of ailments this week. (I bet you’re glad your reading this post, aren’t you?) I have determined that my left forefinger hurts sometimes and that my jaw pops. The jaw has never done that before. The finger comes and goes,…but the jaw has never done that before. It only pops at work. Not when I get home. I have to wonder if it’s stress or something. It kinda hurts when it does that….I don’t know.

I think the root of the problem is that I miss the 1970s. I am not old. I’m just nostalgic. I love nostalgia…but that’s for another post, I suppose.

Nothing like that Farrah Fawcett poster though.

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Beyonce has nothing on her. Beyonce struts her ass all over the stage and then lights up the word “Feminist”.

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Yeah.

Uhhh,…

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Yeah, right. Really?

Gwenyth Paltrow just cooed to Obama that he was “so handsome that she can’t speak properly”.

(Pause)

Ok. Now how many of you think I’m a boring old fart because I miss the 70′s?

Anyway,….

“The King is gone,
but he’s not forgotten,
This is the story,
of a Johnny Rotten.
It’s better to burn out
than it is to rust.
The King is gone,
but he’s not forgotten….”

Neil Young
Out Of The Blue (And Into The Black)

Totally bored tonight. I don’t know why. I had plenty of things to do. I think it’s just this Ebola thing. It makes me tired for some reason. It’s like mono. You think you got it but what’s really happening is your just really bored.

Spent the day cutting grass. I hate that. There’s no sense in it. You cut grass only to cut it again next week. Makes me wanna blow my brains out.

I dunno.

Just depressed today I guess. There’s just nothing going on.

Anyway….

“We gotta install microwave ovens,
Custom kitchens deliveries.
We gotta move these refrigerators,
We gotta move these colour TV’s….”


Dire Straits
Money For Nothing

So, I am getting two brand spanking new credit cards this week. Neither one has a zero balance, of course. Just two new credit cards that assimilate into my already active accounts.

Why, you ask?

Because some jackanapes in some banana republic hacked into the computer system of a store that I would frequent to buy various plumbing and household items! The bastards broke the security wall for The Home Depot! These pirates apparently have access to all the information used when I procured my cards in the first place…..so the banks, being johnnies-on-the-spot, are issuing me new cards to replace my old ones.

But that begs the question,….are my new cards going to assimilate with my existing accounts? I don’t know. I can still log in to online banking and stuff,….but they don’t ask for the card NUMBER when you do that. Can I still write checks on that account? The mind boggles. I mean, it’s a totally different number now,….or is that new number a “shadow” number? Like a stealth number that, when entered, the machine will actually direct it to the proverbial Bat-Cave of my hidden account.

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It also begs the question, who’s paying the banks for the gazillion re-issues of credit/debit cards to the hapless owners of said? That’s a lot of labor on their part, ain’t it? Narrowing down each card holder that used their card to buy 15 cents worth of screws at Home Depot. I would think that Home Depot would be tagged with the bill for that….but are they? Who knows?!

For all the stupid things that have recently happened in our country, this is just the icing on the cake.

I heard today that Jimmy Johns Sandwich Shop also got hacked. With each new hack, is there yet another reissuing of the card that you just got? With each new hack, do you really get another card? If I went to Home Depot and used my old credit card,…then went to lunch at Jimmy Johns,…as I have been known to do,…do I get one new card because of both of them or do I get two new cards because Jimmy Johns and Home Depot are separate entities?

I can’t seem to wrap my head around this….

Either way, they’re both new cards. And you know what that means. A nice, smooth swipe.

Anyway,….

“It never felt so good,
It never felt so right,
And we were glowing like the metal
on the edge of a knife….”


Ellen Foley
Paradise By The Dashboard Light

I made it a point to scrub the word “vanilla” from by vocabulary today. I don’t know why. It just seemed time, that’s all. Vanilla has taken on too many different meanings now-a-days. Oh, sure,…there’s the flavor of the ice cream and the extract. That’s what it supposed to mean and, had it stopped there, the word vanilla would’ve remained in my vocabulary.

Unfortunately, the word has taken on various meanings as of late. It has become a synonym for the word “bland”. It is also the last ice cream eaten in a carton of Neapolitan. The word and the flavor get a bad rap now. I think we should let them exist as they are but not acknowledge them in conversation. We should just Let It Be, as it were.

Another point I want to make is that here, on my blog, I would like to fully recognize a person who has been forgotten by history. Her name is Ellen. (pause) Ellen. Her name is Ellen.

One Ellen Foley to be exact. She was gangly. She was goofy. She didn’t possess the graceful timings of others like her. She probably had adenoid problems and she probably had a perpetual cold all the time..

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She played the public defender on Night Court’s second season. Her gangliness probably got her the job on that show. However, what people don’t know about her is that she is the actual lead female vocal on Meatloaf’s, “Paradise By The Dashboard Light”. The woman was a powerhouse in the vocal realm. You wouldn’t know it was her because Meat actually switched her out at the last minute for Karla Devito. Unfortunately, that was one of the biggest scams ever perpetuated on the American public. Ellen sang it but Meat wanted everyone to think Karla did.

I just think, in 2014, she deserves her due.

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(real singer)

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(fake singer)

(Fast forward to 4:05)

(The song,…on the whole,…is absolute dreck. Her vocal performance, however, is outstanding. Bravo, Ellen! Booo, Meatloaf,…you stupid fat pig.)

Truth be told? Freebird and Money For Nothing are not hard songs to play on the guitar. You need distortion, no pick and a simple mind. That’s it. It’s a perfect fit for me. I have distortion, no picks and a simple mind.

(That’s not me. That’s this hot looking chick playing guitar way better than I can….)

My last meal? I mean, the last meal I ate before I potentially make it to my next last meal?

-Chicken stuffed with bacon and pepper-jack cheese, buttered and salted peas, mashed potatoes and gravy, tomatoes with Roquefort, wild berry tea with sugar.-

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(I don’t know what my next last meal will be. I may not make it that far….)

(pause)

Yeah. I said a whole lot here, didn’t I?

Anyway,…

“Do I have to spell it out?
c-h-e-e-s-e-a-n-d-o-n-i-o-n-s
oh, no,….”


Cheese And Onions
The Rutles

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I love going out to eat these days. New food, new atmosphere,….new tupperware.

Have you noticed that they actually give you what’s basically tupperware to take stuff home in? It’s great. The containers last forever.

I got some cuban stew tonight and they gave me tupperware to take it home in. It’s like a whole new set of take-about dishes. Take them for lunch at work,…take them and freeze stuff in them. It’s tupperware.

The food service industry just did what the scientists in the 60′s couldn’t. Make disposable tupperware,…and it’s not even disposable because it lasts forever. Who couldn’t love that? It’s even got the button that you press down in the middle of the lid so as to keep the air out.

This is the new take-home container! How fortunate we are to live in this gilded age!

We got a White House that has committed more crimes than the Nixon Administration,…I will give you that,…but we also have free tupperware! I would say the one cancels out the other.

Yes!

Sleek. Trim. Designer.

Free tupperware. Just don’t go to the restaurant hungry or you won’t get it because your ate all you dinner…..

Anyway,…

“Do you like green eggs and ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like green eggs and ham!
Would you like them here or there?
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do so like green eggs and ham!
Thank you! Thank you,
Sam-I-am!….”


Dr. Seuss
Green Eggs And Ham

I went to the public library today. I know that this is earth shattering news to some of you. Me going to the library and all. I was pretty stunned myself actually. The reason why is simply this: They had amnesty this week. I am not altogether sure if it had something to do as a precursor to Obama’s impending thing on illegals or if it was simply to get asses in the seats, as it were.

It was painless enough. I walked in and told them I was a wanted man and that I was there to turn myself in. They asked for my address as I stood holding out my hands so they could cuff me and process me. I just dropped that dime on myself. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time type thingy. They looked at me like I was an idiot,….which, of course, I am.

The Librarian pulled up my rap sheet and read the charges: $11.00 in fines. I began to fidget. I began to sweat. $11.00 is a heavy rap, man. That’s almost a felony in library speak. (I just wished I had counsel at that point.)

She cheerfully told me that I was the lightest pardon of the day. She had processed over $2,000 in fines in the previous four hours. I breathed a sigh of relief. She wiped my bill clean. I was a free man.

I told her that I lost my library card about three years ago and would really like one back. She was more than happy to issue me a new one. She even pulled out a bunch of templates that I could choose from. There was one that looked like a Starbucks card. It had emblazoned on it: “Borrow, Return, Repeat”.

I told her I would take that one because it had commands on it instead of fallow suggestions. I need to be reminded,….because I’m a fugitive from justice…..”right now!”

(Gil Garcetti. L.A. District attorney during the OJ flight from justice.)

I paid my meager dollar for the new card and went in search of items that I could brazenly “just take”. I felt like I was wilding. I was on the hunt,…and woe to anyone who was in my way whilst I did it.

I found a CD entitled, “Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits” and a DVD entitled, “The Smothers Brothers: Season Three”! I can’t believe all those idiots who were just sittin’ there on the “free” internet just missed these gems! What a bunch of three-toed sloths.

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I grabbed my stash and headed for the self checkout! I checked my items out, got a printed receipt and just walked out the door,….un-molested. Not a word was spoken as I brazenly just walked out. Babies.

The library is like Neville Chamberlain. If you hold their head in the toilet long enough, they will cave.

Appeasement, my ass.

I think the next course of action is to order up a bunch of “Project: Runway” and just not pick it up when it comes in…..

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Anyway,…..

“Hot town, summer in the city…”

Lovin’ Spoonful
Summer In The City


“Thunder and Lightning,
I tell you it’s frightening.
It’s thunder and lightning,….


Thunder and Lightning
Chi Coltrane


“The snow is really piling up outside,
I wish you wouldn’t make me leave here….”


Meatloaf
Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad

This summer has been rather a gem in my book. Until today.

I was dreading this day all summer. What happened was that it actually broke 90 degrees today. The highest we got all summer was a warm 88. Not today. It climbed that two degrees to 90.

(And I cut my grass today of all things! It was all dry and crunching under my feet as I stepped. Dust blowing out of the side of the bag and crap…..)

People look at me like I’m crazy when I say I hate the heat. They usually ask me when it’s something like 25 degrees outside. Usually, it’s in the form of a question like, “Hey, don’tcha wish summer was here? I love the heat. I’m outside all day in it when it gets really hot.”

My answer always remains the same. “I hate the heat.” I bet these same people that ask me that have a dab of cockroach DNA in them,…even if it’s a little bit of it.

And this was no normal 90 degree day today either. It had it’s exclamation punctuation at precisely at 10:55 pm tonight, just as I was about to leave work. So much so that I couldn’t leave work when I wanted to at precisely at 11:00pm. What happened at 10:55 was simply this.

It rained.

I love a good rain. Everyone loves a good rain. After a 90 degree day, rain was more than welcome.This, however, was no normal rain. This was a freak of nature rain. This was a mutant rain, the likes I’ve never seen before. It was accompanied by frequent thunder and lightning to boot.

This was the type of rain that came down really hard and in huge drops. That type of rain. The type of rain where you have your wipers on full-blast and still can’t see out the windows. That type of rain, man (raaaiiin, maaaan. Rain man! Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise!) The Marion Crane driving through the desert to the Bates Motel type of rain. That type of rain.

Sorry, I digress.

This was the type of rain that my old man, in the summer of 1977, would sit in a lawn chair in a dark garage, smoke a cigarette and just watch the rain come down with a small transistor radio playing and Blatz next to him. It was that type of rain.

This was also the type of rain that flooded my street in front of my house. People not privy to it would almost begin to panic at the sight of it. The street floods and water is coming up the drive at an alarming pace. There are no worries, however. That’s caused by the breakers on the sewers they installed a few years ago. The breakers are trap doors that close to let less water into the sewers so us residents don’t get flooded out in our basements. It gives the water somewhere else to go and that somewhere is the street…and decidedly not into our basements.

It looks ugly, but the world is as right as rain at that point.

But there was another exclamation punctuation to be had on this dark and windy night!

When the rain moved in, the heat moved out. Instantly. It dropped from 90 degrees to 68 degrees in a mere matter of multiple minutes. By that I mean 5 minutes. The cold front moved in with extreme prejudice.

So, now it was a cold rain…with wind, thunder and lightning.

It reached that scenario by the time I got home tonight. It is now silent. The windows are quiet…..time to let the dogs out.

It stopped.

Guess I’ll go to bed now….

Anyway,….

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