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“Woke up, fell out of bed,
Dragged a comb across my head,
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup,
And looking up I noticed I was late,
Found my coat and grabbed my hat,
Made the bus in seconds flat,
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke,
And somebody spoke and I went into a dream,…”

The Beatles
A Day In The Life

So, I was at this upscale dollar store a few weeks ago, right? As I was perusing the fine merchandise to be had there, I came across this rather large, hardbound book about the Fab Four. Being the Beatles fan that I am, I’m always looking to find somethin’ new about them.

This book was all of 5 bucks out the door. It’s simply called, “The Beatles”…with their ever-so recognizable faces emblazoned on the front cover, just under the title.

I purchased this book,…in addition to an Ipod charger cable, a big box of Good and Plenty’s,…and a refrigerator magnet that had George Costanza on it. I thought the day was a success.

I tarried silently and alone over this frozen tundra to my domicile where I was going to embark upon the making of some hot supper with tea,…and, as I ate, I was going to crack the book open to see what new wonders the Beatles still hold 50 years down the line.

I was so excited about what lay ahead! (A fine night, indeed!)

So, I get home and promptly got knocked down by the dogs. The dogs are not big, mind you, they just get tremendously underfoot, as it were. What, with the bags I had and three of them running furiously between my feet,…but all was well. I was home and in from the cold.

I set about making my dinner with the Beatle book waiting patiently upon the table.

I made a garlic-peppercorn Beef Filet (served with A-1 sauce and grilled mushrooms), a baked potato that was greased with red pepper infused olive oil. (served with butter and sour cream) and a “Scabies Salad”. Tomatoes, blue cheese and desiccated hard-boiled eggs and Vadalia Onions. (served with a house vinaigrette). The tea was a mixture of Sleepy-time Extra and Jammin’ Lemon Ginger. (served with a !snap! of sugar and honey)

As I sat down to eat, I pulled the book closer to my plate and began to flip through the book to determine if there were any new pictures that I hadn’t seen before.

And then I saw it. It was on page 44. Chapter 4: Please, Please Me-1963

It wasn’t the words written in the chapter,…and it wasn’t the picture on that particular page. It was the description of the picture!!

It was written:

Right: The Beatles perform at the Empire Theater, Sunderland, on February 7, 1963. (Left to right, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, George Harrison, and John Lennon)

Don’tcha see it?! It’s right freakin’ there, man!!

In a panic, I began to rifle through the rest of the book to see if there were any other anomalies such as this. There were. The entire book was infected with them! THE ENTIRE BOOK WAS INFECTED!!!

I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was too much to take in, man. I lost my appetite and shoved the book and the plate across the table and put my head down in defeat.


What I am talking about, of course, is very simple. Throughout this so-called “book”, in every picture description, the author has the audacity to write,….in conjunction with the picture it denotes,…..

(From left to right, Ringo Starr, John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison.)

With all variations that the said picture pictures.

Blasphemy!! Death to the tyrant who thought so bold as to assume that the masses didn’t know who the Fab Four were by simply looking at their pictures and discerning who was who!

This is the freakin’ Beatles, man! We know who they are! We know who they are just by looking at them! The guy playing the left-handed violin bass is Paul. The guy in the middle is George. The guy on drums is Ringo and the guy with the Rickenbacker guitar is John.

Everybody knows who the Beatles are,….by face and guitar recognition alone!

(This has to be a government plot to demoralize the masses so we give up our guns and crap!)

Yeah,….they were around 50 years ago and stuff….but, for heaven’s sake, McCartney and Starr were just at the 2014 Grammys singin’, “With A Little Help From My Friends”!

Would anyone dare to write a picture description like this?:


Miley Cyrus (Center)

This is just too disheartening. We could play the devil’s advocate,….sure. We could say that the author was just trying to get “the younger folk” to experience The Beatles and this may be a helpful guide to help them recognize the Fab Four we all know and love. It just might make them buy their records,…I mean, cassettes,…I mean, Cd’s,….I mean, MP3 files…I mean, Brain-Implanted-Memory-Chip-Instant-Recall-Implant-albums.

(Wait a minute,…that’s not here yet, is it?)

We could say that,….but that’s predicated on the assumption that the younger generation are complete dolts who, in all reality, CAN identify them because they DO listen to them STILL!!! I have never met a teenager who couldn’t look at a picture of The Beatles and not go,


It’s a fallacy. It’s a bogus argument, man!


I just did what any real Beatles fan would do.

I took a black Sharpie,….and took it to the bathroom. I took the book,….and took it to the bathroom. And I am systematically blacking out all references to (from left to right….)

Five or ten minutes at a time.

This madness has to stop.


(from left to right, Dirk, Stig, Nasty and Barry Wom)



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