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Monthly Archives: April 2014

“I may be vile and pernicious,
But you can’t look away,
I make you think I’m delicious,
With the stuff that I say,
I’m the best you can get,
Have you guessed me yet?
I’m the slime oozin’ out,
From your TV set,….”

Frank Zappa
I’m The Slime

The top ten things I learned this week:

10. I find it ironic that the guy from the LA Clippers gets recorded without his knowledge talking about “blacks” and gets banned for life by the NBA,….yet Mark Furhman knew he was being recorded and used the “N”-word with reckless abandon,…yet, he is now the ultimate go-to talking-head guy who has numerous book deals. He is the only one of that whole trial that has triumphed….repeatedly. Why?
The mind boggles.

9. I haven’t met a dog yet that doesn’t like sharp cheddar cheese. I know, like, a million dogs and they all like sharp cheddar cheese.

8. I believe that the song, “A Day In The Life” is probably the finest Lennon and McCartney song ever recorded. I welcome discussions about that.

7. There is something truly sublime about a well-constructed hamburger. It can be simple and elegant, yet sloppy and decadent. It’s the construction that matters…..except for that STOOOOPID BIG KING that they sell at Burger King. That has to be the worst hamburger on the face of the planet! Don’t buy it. It’s a rip-off of the Big Mac without all the nuances of a Big Mac. It sucks!!! Just go to McDonald’s. Geez. Such a dumb hamburger….

6. I find that if I don’t “ball” my socks up into pairs after I do laundry, I really question the cleanliness of a single sock when I pull it out of a drawer.

5.I recently came to the conclusion that my autographs of Bob Woodward and G. Gordon Liddy are my most prized autographs. They are under the same piece of glass. And they both addressed me personally….so I know it’s not an auto-pen.

4. I played my piano for four hours straight last Sunday. That must mean I am making my way out of my depression…even though I have to cut my grass and the forecast says rain for the next four days. That’s called, “teetering”. That’s enough to send me crashing back down.

3. Doris Day is still alive. Why?

2. I bought a six pound can of green beans this week. Why? Because I could,…and the fact that it was only three dollars.

1. Psychopaths usually have an encyclopedic knowledge of music. I don’t know why this is.



“And no one knows a thing about my life,
I can come and go as I please,
And if I want to, I can stay,
Oh, or if I want to, I can leave,
Nobody knows me, Nobody knows me,
Nobody knows me Oh, oh…”

Jack the Ripper

Here are the top ten things I learned this week:

10. They still haven’t found that plane. Between the DHS, the TSA, the NSA,….they still couldn’t find that plane. CNN seems to think it was sucked up by a black hole apparently. (CNN, if you have nothing constructive to say, just keep your big yap shut, ok? We know you’re hurting in the ratings, but don’t run at the mouth, ok?) Tell you what,…I’ll give them my phone. It can tell me exactly where I am on the planet. It can also tell me exactly where I need to go on the planet. It’s theirs….if it means the people are still alive and sitting in a hangar somewhere,….which they probably are. Cripes, almighty,….losers lose a plane. Unbelievable. It’s tonnage!!! TONNAGE!!!!

9.I have to make a recipe for a vegan tomorrow. I’m scared. I have never heard of the ingredients. Quinoa, nori, ferro, lentils. This frightens me. I might have to serve the vegan cucumbers and tomatoes if this doesn’t pan out. I’m gonna need nerves of steel to pull this off. i can just hear the theme song for Mission Impossible playing while I make it.

8. Lizzie Borden was one cold woman. She had the fortitude to actually lay that axe into her old man’s head. I had to go see her a few years ago. She was nice. We played War. I won. We talked a bit….

7. It was suggested that I shave my beard today. My response?….”That would uncover a whole lot of ugly”.

6. The rig. It’s all plugged in and it works.

yeah, baby.


5. I remain the last person in my neighborhood who has yet to cut his grass. I guess that makes me the official hill-billy for the next year,….again.

4. I got rid of my seat covers that were emblazoned with “The Who”. It was just time. They looked stupid. What am I? Ten?

3. I cleaned my car out and finally found my CD, ‘Annie Lennox’s Greatest Hits”….It’s about time.

2. Jack the Ripper was a bad-ass. What a name, huh? “Jack the Ripper”. That’s like the genius of naming a band, “The Clash”.

1. Think I’ll uncover a “whole lot of ugly” today.


“Whip it!
Whip it good!”

Whip It

Here are the top ten things I learned this week:

10. After enduring years of a coffee vending machine at work that is broken down more often than not, the vending guy finally replaced it with a slick new one that dispenses not only coffee, but Butterfinger Cappuccino, Cappuccino, hot chocolate, tea and soup. After a week of being there, it is now broken down more often than not.

9. Someone stole my Romanburger. It’s outrage will not soon be forgotten!

8.It is always,….ALWAYS,….at the least opportune moment when your gas gauge dings and the red light comes on. Always. It is also always,….ALWAYS,….at the least opportune moment when you tell the pump that you want a receipt,….and the pump tells you to go see the attendant for the receipt……ALWAYS.

7. Roger Daltrey once lamented in song, “11 hours in the tin pan, God, there’s got to be another way!!”……I just spent 12 hours working a furnace and I ain’t whinin’ like a “leettle guuurrrrllll”. That’s golden time, my friend. Take it or leave it,….but don’t cry about it. Stand up and act like a man,….cripes, almighty. (Ya know,….if you were a gas, you would be “Ineeeerrrrt”. Baby)

6. Dennis Wilson was more talented than Carl or Brian Wilson. Don’t believe me? Dig this:

5. If you dye your grey hair and beard a dark brown for say, a year, it will really screw people up when you stop doing it cold turkey. They see you growing grayer by the day and it really screws them up. They then start looking at themselves a little more intently when they pass a mirror. Great hi-jinks.

4. Why is ham the traditional Easter dinner? It’s a pork product. Jesus was jewish. Is it because of the resurrection that everything is game now? Jews still don’t eat pork. Paul and Peter had that falling out about what could be eaten,….(I think that was in Acts) Just such an odd dish to celebrate the resurrection with, ain’t it?

3. After 46 years on the face of the planet, I really wish I was the fifth Beatle. I think it would be interesting, to say the least.

2. Fay Wray went bra-less in a scene in King Kong. I couldn’t believe it. 1933 and she’s without bra. That totally screwed me up, man. (It was when she was talking to the monkey on deck with Bruce Cabot. Don’t believe me? Check it out.)


1.Fried eggs and chili make a good combination.


“Well, I guess I should confess that I am starting to get old,
All the latest music fads all passed me by and left me cold,
All the kids are talking slang I won’t pretend to understand,
All my friends are getting married, mortgages and pension plans,
And it’s obvious my angry adolescent days are done,
And I’m happy and I’m settled in the person I’ve become,
But that doesn’t mean I’m settled up and sitting out the game,
Time may change a lot but some things may stay the same,….

Frank Turner

Ya know,..when you go to a resale shop, you kinda expect that the wares they sell will be in some sort of systematic order. When it’s not, it’s nothing more than a garage sale, isn’t it?

When the lighting is sub-par, it makes you feel like you’re bein’ cheated. I hate that crap.

Why is it that most of the furniture smells pretty moldy. You wanna sell me something? Make sure that it doesn’t smell bad, OK? It ain’t that hard. There’s this little thing called “Febreeze”. Spray it a few times a week. Is that that hard?

Ya know,….I really think the French Connection is the greatest movie ever made Why do I think that? Who cares? Do you care? I don’t freakin’ care. It’s just a damn good movie. What? Do I have to explain myself?

Good night.

Just so ticked off today.


“…But our minds won’t really be blown,
Like the blow that’ll gitcha, when you get your picture,
On the cover of the Rollin’ Stone…”

Dr Hook
The Cover Of The Rolling Stone

I began my day today in my usual fashion. I rolled over and started looking at the news on my ipad.(That was after waking up and dreading the day ahead, of course.)

I began to hit the various news apps to see if anything was happening. Like the sky falling or somethin’ like that. I tripped over to Drudge and something caught my eye.



Elaine Benes on the cover of the Rolling Stone,…with just a hint of butt crack showing. I knew there was a reason this was on Drudge other than the butt-crack that was displayed. I was betting it wasn’t an outrage piece of her butt. No. There was going to be a deeper story than that. It was on Drudge, after all.

And I was right,…I was right.

It did have something to do with the cover. The story was about the fact that the Constitution on her back was signed by John Hancock.

Yes….Yes, indeed.

They screamed, “Dolts!!, How stupid are they over there? What were they thinking? Are they that stupid?”

The rage, of course, was well deserved since John Hancock never signed the Constitution. He signed the Declaration Of Independence. That’s where John Hancock’s John Hancock is, not on the Constitution.

Me, being who I am, sat back and sagely thought about John Hancock’s signature emblazoned willy-nilly upon Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s supple left kidney.

I can’t help but think there is a bigger picture with this picture.

Let me explain.

At some point, someone put the facsimile of the Constitution on to her back, right? Then, probably the same somebody went to the Declaration of Independence and removed the image of Hancock’s Hancock and then placed THAT facsimile upon her kidney.

So, as Drudge, The Blaze and Breitbart all scream and ridicule about Rolling Stone’s daftness, the genius lay in the fact that Rolling Stone knew all along that it wasn’t a mistake because the action had to be taken to actually marry the two separate facsimiles. You just know some Iago/lackey whispered into Count Jann Wenner’s ear and said, “John Hancock’s John Hancock wasn’t on the Constitution. It was on the Declaration Of Independence, my leege.”

To which he was waved away with extreme prejudice.

It was a conspiracy in the truest sense of the word. They knew what they were doin’, but retreated into plausible deniability. This was their statement in regards to the faux pas that transpired in the high towers of Rolling Stone:

‘The Declaration of the Independence is on the other side but we couldn’t fit in all the signatures,’ said Wenner Media Publicity Director Melissa Bruno said, the Daily News reported.

This was Julia’s response to the mistake via Twitter:

She tweeted: ”In my defense, ‘I was in a drunken stupor,’ #crackexcuse.”

How endearing, huh? They can laugh at themselves about such a stupid mistake,…that they knew they were making when they made it.

I guess my question is, what does this mean? This smacks of NWO conspiracy. An innocuous Rolling Stone cover that merges the two defining documents of this country onto a hot (but irrelevant) actresses’s back and near butt-crack for the sake of a joke.

It just makes it all dashed uncomfortable to ingest considering where this country is right now. It’s un-nerving, to say the least. In addition, the Constitution itself has gone through the ringer in the past few years. We all know this. This isn’t something that I’m making up as I go along.


Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I’m supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.

Priscilla Ahn

Here are the top ten things I learned this week:

10. For some reason, people want me to watch certain movies because they think “I’ll like it”.

9. It’s nice to ignore a boss who is not your boss. The funny thing is, he never learns.

8. Small cucumbers taste more like cucumbers than regular cucumbers. Why is that?

7. Don’tcha think Gary Gilmore kinda ruined it for everyone that came after him?

6. “I Feel Fine” is probably the most over-played Beatles song ever.

5. A box of Girl Scout Cookies can be killed in one sitting with no problem.

4. When writing a blog post stark naked on your bed, it’s best not to talk about it in the post…..D’oh!!!

3. Cole Slaw on a hot dog doesn’t seem like a good idea,…but it really is.

2. If I could, I would live in Laurel Canyon just because of the name. Laurel Canyon just has a nice ring to it.

1. A big screen TV in a bedroom really does feel like a movie theater.