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Monthly Archives: May 2014

“Ooooh, I hear laughter in the rain,
walkin’ hand in hand with,
the one I love….”


Neil Sedaka
Laughter In The Rain

Here are the top ten things I learned today:

10. Neil Sedaka sounds like chick when he sings “Laughter In The Rain”. Why is that? He sounds like Toni Tennille. It’s rather disconcerting. It really makes me question my sexuality when I hear that song because of the whole “Boy George Syndrome”. So Bogus, man. (I think a chick is singing to me and then I realize it’s a dude. Bogus.)

9. My Dr. wanted to check my sugar the last time I visited him. I begged off on that. To circumvent the $400 lab fee, I got one of those little devices that does it for you. Considerably cheaper.

8. Where the hell is Flight 370? (I put that here because no-one else is reporting on it anymore….talk amongst yourselves….)

7. The color yellow irritates me.

6. Hebrew National hot dogs ain’t all that. They’re good,…but they ain’t all that.

5. If your room faces the south in the summertime, you will, no matter what, wake up sweltering. Even if the air is set at a balmy 71 degrees. You will be picking the crotch of your underwear out of the crack of your butt upon waking.

4. Good-Looking chicks that need no make-up simply need no make-up. Ever. I mean, there is no point, right? I am begging you,….don’t waste your time. You’re hot enough.

3. A Payday candy bar might be the world’s most perfect food….next to Ramen.

2. You never believe a dog is blind or deaf until you open the fridge and it hits them in the face because they can’t see it or hear it opening….but it does beg the question,…why are they looking at a refrigerator door all the time?

1. Where the hell is Flight 370? (I put that here because no-one else is reporting on it anymore….talk amongst yourselves….)

Anyway,….

“Good night, good night, everybody…
Everybody….everywhere…
Good night…”


The Beatles
Goodnight

It’s amazing how little can be accomplished if you just simply put your mind to it. I mean, really, if you set about to imitate a three-toed sloth, if you really put your mind to it, you can accomplish it and have a certain feeling of satisfaction that you actually succeeded in something by merely being focused.

Today, for instance, I never once donned regular clothes. I simply never got out of my pajamas at all today. People were outside cleaning grills, hosing down patios, listening to music, drinking beer and eating outside with family and friends. The smell of charcoal burning was in the air and it was in abundance.

I sat at my kitchen table over a bottle of Starbucks Iced coffee, that someone gave me the day prior, because I was just too lazy to make an actual pot of coffee. It required too much effort. I ate a raw cucumber that still had the peel and ends on it. It required to much effort to actually cook something today. And I don’t really like big cucumbers to begin with. It was there though. If I had small cucumbers, that would be smashing. I like small cucumbers…but, alas, I had to throw them out because my lazy ass never got around to eating them.

Even though I woke up at 11 am, I was ready for a nap at 12:10 pm. I laid back down and hit the on button for the stereo. I was hoping that the Tommy James CD that was in there a couple of weeks ago was still in there. I was looking forward to Crystal Blue Persuasion lulling me back to sleep,…but no, when the CD started playing, it was Kiss’s third album from 1973. It was “Dressed To Kill”. I listened to that through the song “Room Service” and then hit the off button.

(I had forgotten I put that in there Monday.)

It took all my energy to simply flip the cover of my ipad up. I pointed at the youtube icon. I then pointed at the history button,…because I sure wasn’t going to do a search for anything. That would surely exhaust what minimal reserves I had left. These were my choices:

How to fix a leaky bathtub: 17 minutes
Epic Girl Fails, 2013: 1:27:14 minutes
The Proper Way To Fit A Bra: 11 minutes
Let It Be by The Beatles: 4min3 seconds
Elvira’s Bloopers: 10 minutes
Watergate: 1 hour, 35 minutes
Music Mike’s Piano Tutorial of Maybe I’m Amazed By Paul McCartney part one: 11 minutes
Fawn Hall: Where Is She Now? 7min14 seconds
Tammy Faye Bakker’s 40th Birthday On PTL: 2 hours
Rain on a Tin Roof/ Ambient sleep sounds: 10 hours

I chose the rain on a tin roof video. That sounded like something that could lull me back to slumber. As soon as it started, I realized I had to pee. I had to get up, make the trek to the can, do my business and go lay back down again. Energy-wise, that exhausted me. I could hear my neighbors talking outside about what a wonderful day it was.

I thought that if I just laid still, sleep would overcome my being. The fans were blowing and the world was a perfect storm for sleep. The room was windy and cool.

Then the dog came scratching at my door. I yelled at her to knock it off. The neighbors then got really quiet because they thought I was talking to them since my window was open and about 7 feet from where they currently sat.

I fell asleep. I awoke at 5 pm. I made my way to the fridge and ate a slice of cold cheese. (Colby-jack)

As I stood there swaying,…eating a slice of cold cheese,…I began to worry about my sugar level. It was 5:30 pm and I was sill in my PJ’s and still tired as hell.

I spied another bottle of Starbuck’s so I cracked that and drank it down in one fell swoop.

I then began to speed like nobody’s business. I made some Beer-Battered Cod, peas, a salad,….wolfed it down,…and then was ready for bed again.

The cod, however, caused me a certain distress in the form of acid-indigestion. I took two tums,…and then wrote this.

I simply have nothing more to add to this day except that I should never have gotten up to begin with….

Maybe I won’t tomorrow. We’ll see.

Anyway,….

“Take it easy….”

The Eagles
Take It Easy

Here are the top ten things I learned today:

10. They still haven’t found that plane and now they told the sad families to go back home. What does that even mean? That they stopped looking for this errant piece of tonnage? It’s a huge plane! Are you telling me the NSA can’t even find it? What the hell are we paying them for?

9. The attraction of a sports bar is completely lost on me. Six Tv’s tuned to different stations, each with blaring audio. It’s not a place to take your best girl to when you break the news to her that you have cancer….while noshing on some red hot Buffalo Wings and kicking back beers.

8. For the past few weeks, I have suffered the embarrassment of having only ten dollars to put in my gas tank. Each time it asks me to put in my zip code,…as if a thief would only get ten dollars of gas on a stolen credit card.

7. Day three. No cups in the coffee machine again. Bastard.

6. Ramen Noodles can almost be considered a perfect food. Like Soylent Green wafers and oranges.

5. They will be taking a vote in the house to set up a committee to investigate
Benghazi this week. This should be interesting. Trey Gowdy is supposed to be the chairperson. I’d buy tickets for that.

4. I am reading Pete Townshend’s autobiography. In it, he says that when Keith Moon died, Phil Collins offered The Who his services and was turned down. Had Mr. Townshend accepted, he would have spared us from all that top 40 pop crap that Genesis devolved into in the 80’s. Thanks, Pete! (Abacab!)

3.The chick is still wearing those jeans! Holes in the knees and showing off knee flesh! Damn!

2. Hillary got a shoe thrown at her. I say, “It’s about time, huh, kids?”

1. She also confused it with a bat. Not sure if it was the animal or the sports implement….was she referencing Ozzy?

Anyway,…..

“You almost had your hooks in me, didn’t you, dear,
You nearly had me roped and tied,
Altar-bound, hypnotized,
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear,
You’re a butterfly,
And butterflies are free to fly,
Fly away, high away, bye, bye,….”


Elton John
Someone Saved My Life Tonight

The Top Ten things I learned today:

10. “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” by Elton John goes on a bit too long. Like 6 minutes and 44 seconds too long…..(Oh, that’s the entire length of the song?….I stand by my statement.)

9. Jay Carney really bit it this time. Turns out he was a recipient of that email. Who woulda figgered?

8. There really is nothing like McDonald’s french fries. It seems all pale in comparison. It’s true. Just admit it and get on with your lives.

7. I really, truly love this pic. I’m thinking of making it an 8X10.

image

6. I can’t function without my old man glasses at work,…..which were purchased at CVS for 8 dollars. 8 dollar glasses help me make the critical airplane parts that you all ride on. (Think about that for a minute…..and then be very, very frightened.)

5. Rod Stewart has no place in current society,….in any form.

4. When a woman has a hole in her jeans at her knee, why do I feel like a perv when I see flesh there? Like knee-flesh is forbidden?

3. I wish to go back in time when there were no pot-holes,….wait a minute,…..that would be the 1870’s, wouldn’t it? Nevermind…

2. Now that disco has passed from our collective consciousness, I really feel like I can appreciate it a bit more.

1. When I deposit 50 cents into the coffee machine at work and no cup comes out, you would think I would learn my lesson. No. I am a hard learner.

Anyway,…