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Category Archives: Amnesty

‘…Feelin’ like a cowboy,
and lookin’ like a slob…”

Livin’ In Hope
The Rutles

I hate to sound confused….but there’s all this talk about a new Civil War in America.

I have to ask…how would this all play out?…(if I may be so bold to question this.) The last Civil War was between the north and south. There were regions of conflict. If you went to the south, you’d have to exchange your currency….just like you have to do to go to London today.

Is it a war between antifa and the white nationalists?

I have to ask….who has the guns here?

300 billion rounds on one side and…umm…well,…in any event…how would this play out? Throwing bottles of pee from the other side?

It will not end well for one side and it will be quick.

(I need to know how to plan my vacation….that’s all. That’s why I’m asking.)

Methinks it will just be a fart in the wind for the snowflakes.

(I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to offend anyone by using that term…what term?….”snowflake”, of course…)

I don’t want to send anyone to their safe-space to play with Play-Doh as a result of this post.

I just wanna know how to plan my damn vacation!

(Sorry I swore…I didn’t mean to offend anyone by that….)

Anyway…

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“Do you like green eggs and ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like green eggs and ham!
Would you like them here or there?
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do so like green eggs and ham!
Thank you! Thank you,
Sam-I-am!….”


Dr. Seuss
Green Eggs And Ham

I went to the public library today. I know that this is earth shattering news to some of you. Me going to the library and all. I was pretty stunned myself actually. The reason why is simply this: They had amnesty this week. I am not altogether sure if it had something to do as a precursor to Obama’s impending thing on illegals or if it was simply to get asses in the seats, as it were.

It was painless enough. I walked in and told them I was a wanted man and that I was there to turn myself in. They asked for my address as I stood holding out my hands so they could cuff me and process me. I just dropped that dime on myself. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time type thingy. They looked at me like I was an idiot,….which, of course, I am.

The Librarian pulled up my rap sheet and read the charges: $11.00 in fines. I began to fidget. I began to sweat. $11.00 is a heavy rap, man. That’s almost a felony in library speak. (I just wished I had counsel at that point.)

She cheerfully told me that I was the lightest pardon of the day. She had processed over $2,000 in fines in the previous four hours. I breathed a sigh of relief. She wiped my bill clean. I was a free man.

I told her that I lost my library card about three years ago and would really like one back. She was more than happy to issue me a new one. She even pulled out a bunch of templates that I could choose from. There was one that looked like a Starbucks card. It had emblazoned on it: “Borrow, Return, Repeat”.

I told her I would take that one because it had commands on it instead of fallow suggestions. I need to be reminded,….because I’m a fugitive from justice…..”right now!”

(Gil Garcetti. L.A. District attorney during the OJ flight from justice.)

I paid my meager dollar for the new card and went in search of items that I could brazenly “just take”. I felt like I was wilding. I was on the hunt,…and woe to anyone who was in my way whilst I did it.

I found a CD entitled, “Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits” and a DVD entitled, “The Smothers Brothers: Season Three”! I can’t believe all those idiots who were just sittin’ there on the “free” internet just missed these gems! What a bunch of three-toed sloths.

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I grabbed my stash and headed for the self checkout! I checked my items out, got a printed receipt and just walked out the door,….un-molested. Not a word was spoken as I brazenly just walked out. Babies.

The library is like Neville Chamberlain. If you hold their head in the toilet long enough, they will cave.

Appeasement, my ass.

I think the next course of action is to order up a bunch of “Project: Runway” and just not pick it up when it comes in…..

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Anyway,…..