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“She keeps Moet et Chandon
In her pretty cabinet
‘Let them eat cake’, she says,
Just like Marie Antoinette.
A built-in remedy,
For Kruschev and Kennedy,
At anytime an invitation
You can’t decline…”

QUEEN
KILLER QUEEN

I was standing in the checkout line today. I was buying some Chuckles and milk. I had to be at work at three. It was two forty-five. The woman in front of me was taking her good sweet time producing the payment for her choices.

I looked down at a refridgerated case next to the cashier line.

I saw some bottles that were emblazoned with the words: “Moet et Chandon”.

All of a sudden, finger-snaps started playing my head.

Sonofabitch. That’s what Freddie Mercury was singing about the whole time! I heard the words a million times before but couldn’t understand them.

I never knew what the hell he was saying!

Moet et Chandon!….Champagne!…of course!!

$53 bucks a bottle!….shuhh.

Just gimme my Chuckles and milk.

…and you learn something new everyday, don’t ya?

Moet et Chandon.

Who knew?

Anyway….

“Ooooh, I hear laughter in the rain,
walkin’ hand in hand with,
the one I love….”


Neil Sedaka
Laughter In The Rain

Here are the top ten things I learned today:

10. Neil Sedaka sounds like chick when he sings “Laughter In The Rain”. Why is that? He sounds like Toni Tennille. It’s rather disconcerting. It really makes me question my sexuality when I hear that song because of the whole “Boy George Syndrome”. So Bogus, man. (I think a chick is singing to me and then I realize it’s a dude. Bogus.)

9. My Dr. wanted to check my sugar the last time I visited him. I begged off on that. To circumvent the $400 lab fee, I got one of those little devices that does it for you. Considerably cheaper.

8. Where the hell is Flight 370? (I put that here because no-one else is reporting on it anymore….talk amongst yourselves….)

7. The color yellow irritates me.

6. Hebrew National hot dogs ain’t all that. They’re good,…but they ain’t all that.

5. If your room faces the south in the summertime, you will, no matter what, wake up sweltering. Even if the air is set at a balmy 71 degrees. You will be picking the crotch of your underwear out of the crack of your butt upon waking.

4. Good-Looking chicks that need no make-up simply need no make-up. Ever. I mean, there is no point, right? I am begging you,….don’t waste your time. You’re hot enough.

3. A Payday candy bar might be the world’s most perfect food….next to Ramen.

2. You never believe a dog is blind or deaf until you open the fridge and it hits them in the face because they can’t see it or hear it opening….but it does beg the question,…why are they looking at a refrigerator door all the time?

1. Where the hell is Flight 370? (I put that here because no-one else is reporting on it anymore….talk amongst yourselves….)

Anyway,….