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Category Archives: lunch

“Got no woman,
or a steady job.
Feeling like a cowboy
and looking like a slob….”


The Rutles
Living In Hope

Hey. What’s goin’ on?

When it comes to my job, I thought that I had seen it all…but no.

This was a classic.

The other day when I was rushing’ around to go to work, I hastily packed a lunch. It was three baby back ribs from Aldi’s. They were leftover from the weekend. They were pretty good ribs considering that I only paid 6 bucks for an entire slab of ’em. They were pre-cooked and bathed in BBQ sauce and were just the thing to hit the spot at 8 pm on a summer evening.

I had made 5 ribs the night before for my midnight meal and these three were the leftovers from that dinner.

Anyway, as I was searching the cupboards to find a container, I ran into a small snag. I couldn’t put it in my pink tupperware bowl because the ribs themselves were too large to fit in this particular round container. I moved on to a disposable Ziploc container that I had bought at Aldi’s… one of those clear things with the blue lid….this proved to be too large and would take up too much real estate in my backpack.

I then found a smaller Ziploc container and this proved to be too small as well. (But the ribs would “go” into the container-with a little force-so this was to be the container that I would use.)

I shoved the ribs into it, got the lid on it, threw it into my backpack and headed off to work.

I went into work, put my lunch into the fridge and set about my day.

At 8 pm, (which is our union sanctioned lunchbreak) I went to get the ribs. As I was walking over to the microwave I couldn’t help but notice that the container seemed a tad light.

That was weird.

I opened the container and was distressed to find that there were only two ribs in it. I stood there looking at it for a minute or two…because my brain was desperately trying to process what had taken place between the hours of 3:30 and 8…

That someone actually stole one rib from my lunch.

Paul (the guy I eat my lunch with) came over to stare into my twisted container with me after he noticed my facial distress from afar. I told him that somebody actually ate one of the ribs out of the container. He started laughing and when I didn’t start laughing with him, he really began to believe that I was actually serious.

I said, “Dude,…I put three bones in this thing at three o’clock and now there’s two”.

He looked at the container, which was all bent and and kind of twisted from me trying to get the three bones in there, and he even deduced that it looked like it held somethin’ more than the two bones that currently resided.

We stood there looking at each other as to try and make sense of the current critical situation.

Is it possible that I was mistaken?

No!

I transferred three bones into three different containers before I left the house! There was no question that there were three bones in there!

And now there was two!

Now, since the thought that someone pawed over my lunch was just too un-appetizing for me to comprehend, I took the remaining bones and threw them out and sat and pouted while Paul ate his boloney and ketchup sandwich.

Not much was said during our lunch break…but the latent underlying issue was still there.

Who…would actually go into someone else’s lunch…and eat just one spare-rib?

I knew it wasn’t Paul because…well…it’s Paul.

Paul doesn’t go in the fridge cause it’s a dark and scary place. I don’t like to go in the fridge because it’s a dark and scary place…but since meat has this “thing” about being refrigerated, I have to put my lunch in there.

I really don’t think this was a personal affront because my name wasn’t on the container and no one saw me put it in there. I think this was just someone who was hungry and decided to rummage aound in the fridge to see what there was to gnosh.

Isn’t that a bit scary?

How many times have I put something in there that I DIDN’T know was pawed over before lunchtime? If I brought spaghetti, how would I know that someone didn’t stand there eating it with his or her own bare hands?

Is this an isolated incident or is this something that is running rampant?

You can’t tell management about something like this either. They would just look at you like you were crazy…or laugh…or quickly dismiss it out of hand because they actually KNOW who did it and are working hard at trying to protect the guilty party. Trying to protect one of their own, as it were.

Paul speculated that it might be the president of the company.

I dismissed it because the president of the company, on that particular day, was wearing a powder blue shirt and no one in their right mind would eat BBQ spareribs while wearing a powder blue shirt. Too much room for error.

He agreed.

No, I think this was someone “on the floor”, as it were. Someone who knew the inner-machinations and the dietary habits of the people and their environs. Someone who has access to the fridge and could go in there unfettered. Someone who could pretend like they’re looking for his or her own lunch when, in reality, they’re actually just standing there pawing over and eating other people’s food.

This is a guy who could blend into the background. A guy who would say “Sup” as you walked by. A guy who can strike and disappear.

I walked around the plant looking in the various garbage cans placed hither and yon…to see if I could find a discarded rib-bone perched majestically upon a mound a refuse…but it was to no avail.

This kind of put a damper on the rest of the night…for Paulie as well. He went over to the bulletin board and pulled down a memo from the president. It was about some stolen material and what they’re going do when they get their hands on the guilty party.

He xeroxed it and, on the copy, crossed out the part where it says “stolen copper braiding” and wrote in “stolen rib-bone”.

Even though I laughed, I was still kind of depressed about it.

(pause)

I just feel so violated.

Anyway…

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“Good night, good night, everybody…
Everybody….everywhere…
Good night…”


The Beatles
Goodnight

It’s amazing how little can be accomplished if you just simply put your mind to it. I mean, really, if you set about to imitate a three-toed sloth, if you really put your mind to it, you can accomplish it and have a certain feeling of satisfaction that you actually succeeded in something by merely being focused.

Today, for instance, I never once donned regular clothes. I simply never got out of my pajamas at all today. People were outside cleaning grills, hosing down patios, listening to music, drinking beer and eating outside with family and friends. The smell of charcoal burning was in the air and it was in abundance.

I sat at my kitchen table over a bottle of Starbucks Iced coffee, that someone gave me the day prior, because I was just too lazy to make an actual pot of coffee. It required too much effort. I ate a raw cucumber that still had the peel and ends on it. It required to much effort to actually cook something today. And I don’t really like big cucumbers to begin with. It was there though. If I had small cucumbers, that would be smashing. I like small cucumbers…but, alas, I had to throw them out because my lazy ass never got around to eating them.

Even though I woke up at 11 am, I was ready for a nap at 12:10 pm. I laid back down and hit the on button for the stereo. I was hoping that the Tommy James CD that was in there a couple of weeks ago was still in there. I was looking forward to Crystal Blue Persuasion lulling me back to sleep,…but no, when the CD started playing, it was Kiss’s third album from 1973. It was “Dressed To Kill”. I listened to that through the song “Room Service” and then hit the off button.

(I had forgotten I put that in there Monday.)

It took all my energy to simply flip the cover of my ipad up. I pointed at the youtube icon. I then pointed at the history button,…because I sure wasn’t going to do a search for anything. That would surely exhaust what minimal reserves I had left. These were my choices:

How to fix a leaky bathtub: 17 minutes
Epic Girl Fails, 2013: 1:27:14 minutes
The Proper Way To Fit A Bra: 11 minutes
Let It Be by The Beatles: 4min3 seconds
Elvira’s Bloopers: 10 minutes
Watergate: 1 hour, 35 minutes
Music Mike’s Piano Tutorial of Maybe I’m Amazed By Paul McCartney part one: 11 minutes
Fawn Hall: Where Is She Now? 7min14 seconds
Tammy Faye Bakker’s 40th Birthday On PTL: 2 hours
Rain on a Tin Roof/ Ambient sleep sounds: 10 hours

I chose the rain on a tin roof video. That sounded like something that could lull me back to slumber. As soon as it started, I realized I had to pee. I had to get up, make the trek to the can, do my business and go lay back down again. Energy-wise, that exhausted me. I could hear my neighbors talking outside about what a wonderful day it was.

I thought that if I just laid still, sleep would overcome my being. The fans were blowing and the world was a perfect storm for sleep. The room was windy and cool.

Then the dog came scratching at my door. I yelled at her to knock it off. The neighbors then got really quiet because they thought I was talking to them since my window was open and about 7 feet from where they currently sat.

I fell asleep. I awoke at 5 pm. I made my way to the fridge and ate a slice of cold cheese. (Colby-jack)

As I stood there swaying,…eating a slice of cold cheese,…I began to worry about my sugar level. It was 5:30 pm and I was sill in my PJ’s and still tired as hell.

I spied another bottle of Starbuck’s so I cracked that and drank it down in one fell swoop.

I then began to speed like nobody’s business. I made some Beer-Battered Cod, peas, a salad,….wolfed it down,…and then was ready for bed again.

The cod, however, caused me a certain distress in the form of acid-indigestion. I took two tums,…and then wrote this.

I simply have nothing more to add to this day except that I should never have gotten up to begin with….

Maybe I won’t tomorrow. We’ll see.

Anyway,….

“Take it easy….”

The Eagles
Take It Easy

Here are the top ten things I learned today:

10. They still haven’t found that plane and now they told the sad families to go back home. What does that even mean? That they stopped looking for this errant piece of tonnage? It’s a huge plane! Are you telling me the NSA can’t even find it? What the hell are we paying them for?

9. The attraction of a sports bar is completely lost on me. Six Tv’s tuned to different stations, each with blaring audio. It’s not a place to take your best girl to when you break the news to her that you have cancer….while noshing on some red hot Buffalo Wings and kicking back beers.

8. For the past few weeks, I have suffered the embarrassment of having only ten dollars to put in my gas tank. Each time it asks me to put in my zip code,…as if a thief would only get ten dollars of gas on a stolen credit card.

7. Day three. No cups in the coffee machine again. Bastard.

6. Ramen Noodles can almost be considered a perfect food. Like Soylent Green wafers and oranges.

5. They will be taking a vote in the house to set up a committee to investigate
Benghazi this week. This should be interesting. Trey Gowdy is supposed to be the chairperson. I’d buy tickets for that.

4. I am reading Pete Townshend’s autobiography. In it, he says that when Keith Moon died, Phil Collins offered The Who his services and was turned down. Had Mr. Townshend accepted, he would have spared us from all that top 40 pop crap that Genesis devolved into in the 80’s. Thanks, Pete! (Abacab!)

3.The chick is still wearing those jeans! Holes in the knees and showing off knee flesh! Damn!

2. Hillary got a shoe thrown at her. I say, “It’s about time, huh, kids?”

1. She also confused it with a bat. Not sure if it was the animal or the sports implement….was she referencing Ozzy?

Anyway,…..

“You almost had your hooks in me, didn’t you, dear,
You nearly had me roped and tied,
Altar-bound, hypnotized,
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear,
You’re a butterfly,
And butterflies are free to fly,
Fly away, high away, bye, bye,….”


Elton John
Someone Saved My Life Tonight

The Top Ten things I learned today:

10. “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” by Elton John goes on a bit too long. Like 6 minutes and 44 seconds too long…..(Oh, that’s the entire length of the song?….I stand by my statement.)

9. Jay Carney really bit it this time. Turns out he was a recipient of that email. Who woulda figgered?

8. There really is nothing like McDonald’s french fries. It seems all pale in comparison. It’s true. Just admit it and get on with your lives.

7. I really, truly love this pic. I’m thinking of making it an 8X10.

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6. I can’t function without my old man glasses at work,…..which were purchased at CVS for 8 dollars. 8 dollar glasses help me make the critical airplane parts that you all ride on. (Think about that for a minute…..and then be very, very frightened.)

5. Rod Stewart has no place in current society,….in any form.

4. When a woman has a hole in her jeans at her knee, why do I feel like a perv when I see flesh there? Like knee-flesh is forbidden?

3. I wish to go back in time when there were no pot-holes,….wait a minute,…..that would be the 1870’s, wouldn’t it? Nevermind…

2. Now that disco has passed from our collective consciousness, I really feel like I can appreciate it a bit more.

1. When I deposit 50 cents into the coffee machine at work and no cup comes out, you would think I would learn my lesson. No. I am a hard learner.

Anyway,…

“I may be vile and pernicious,
But you can’t look away,
I make you think I’m delicious,
With the stuff that I say,
I’m the best you can get,
Have you guessed me yet?
I’m the slime oozin’ out,
From your TV set,….”


Frank Zappa
I’m The Slime

The top ten things I learned this week:

10. I find it ironic that the guy from the LA Clippers gets recorded without his knowledge talking about “blacks” and gets banned for life by the NBA,….yet Mark Furhman knew he was being recorded and used the “N”-word with reckless abandon,…yet, he is now the ultimate go-to talking-head guy who has numerous book deals. He is the only one of that whole trial that has triumphed….repeatedly. Why?
The mind boggles.

9. I haven’t met a dog yet that doesn’t like sharp cheddar cheese. I know, like, a million dogs and they all like sharp cheddar cheese.

8. I believe that the song, “A Day In The Life” is probably the finest Lennon and McCartney song ever recorded. I welcome discussions about that.

7. There is something truly sublime about a well-constructed hamburger. It can be simple and elegant, yet sloppy and decadent. It’s the construction that matters…..except for that STOOOOPID BIG KING that they sell at Burger King. That has to be the worst hamburger on the face of the planet! Don’t buy it. It’s a rip-off of the Big Mac without all the nuances of a Big Mac. It sucks!!! Just go to McDonald’s. Geez. Such a dumb hamburger….

6. I find that if I don’t “ball” my socks up into pairs after I do laundry, I really question the cleanliness of a single sock when I pull it out of a drawer.

5.I recently came to the conclusion that my autographs of Bob Woodward and G. Gordon Liddy are my most prized autographs. They are under the same piece of glass. And they both addressed me personally….so I know it’s not an auto-pen.

4. I played my piano for four hours straight last Sunday. That must mean I am making my way out of my depression…even though I have to cut my grass and the forecast says rain for the next four days. That’s called, “teetering”. That’s enough to send me crashing back down.

3. Doris Day is still alive. Why?

2. I bought a six pound can of green beans this week. Why? Because I could,…and the fact that it was only three dollars.

1. Psychopaths usually have an encyclopedic knowledge of music. I don’t know why this is.

Anyway,….

“If some of ya’ll never been down South too much…
I’m gonna tell you a little bit about this, so that you’ll understand,
What I’m talking about,….”

Elvis
Polk Salad Annie

A few years ago, I had seen a cooking show in which Elvis’s cook demonstrated the making of Elvis’s favorite sandwich. This is the real deal. It’s been a staple in my house ever since. It is truly decadent.

Here are the ingredients you will need:

1 banana
4 teaspoons of peanut butter
brown sugar
butter
2 slices of Italian bread.

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Take the butter and butter up one side of each slice of bread.

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Place a generous amount of brown sugar on the buttered side of each slice of bread. Most of the brown sugar will adhere to the bread due to the adhesive nature of the butter.

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Place in pan with the buttered and brown sugared side down. Don’t worry if a bit of brown sugar falls off while flipping it. It will still be put to good use.

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Dissect banana. Should a small dog appear like what just happened here, just ignore him. He just had some kibble.

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Peel banana and place into small bowl. Continue to ignore the filthy little beggar with the sad eyes.

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Smash banana until it becomes almost like baby food. The banana will take on a wet-like consistency. This is to be desired. Continue to ignore the fat bastard to the right.

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Spread peanut butter on dry side of bread that is in pan. I like to use crunchy, but if you don’t like that, creamy works just as well. I would not use organic peanut butter however. I believe Elvis would disavow that in his sandwiches.

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Place smashed banana onto one side of the peanut-buttered bread, then top with a small amount of brown sugar. This will give a certain sweetness to the banana mixture.

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Place in pan and grill fry over medium heat,..like you would a grilled cheese. The brown sugar on the other side of the bread will begin to crystalize. This is to be desired for crunch effect.

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Flip together and grill the both sides of the sandwich. You will notice the brown sugar taking on a harder texture due to the heat. That’s what’s considered as being, “the good stuff”,…oh, yeah.

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Once the sandwich is grilled throughly on both sides, remove and place on a cutting board.

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Dissect the sandwich at the corners. The peanut butter/banana paste may spill out a bit due to the pressure of the knife. This is to be desired for presentation.

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Serve promptly with a garnishment of a dill pickle and a packet of natural cane turbinado sugar. An ice cold root-beer would be a good choice of a beverage to go with this meal.

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And that’s that!

Easy enough.

(Oh, alright, already!! Give him some! How can you turn that hungry face away? Geez. What a beggar! I hope he chokes on it!)

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Anyway,…