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“She keeps Moet et Chandon
In her pretty cabinet
‘Let them eat cake’, she says,
Just like Marie Antoinette.
A built-in remedy,
For Kruschev and Kennedy,
At anytime an invitation
You can’t decline…”

QUEEN
KILLER QUEEN

I was standing in the checkout line today. I was buying some Chuckles and milk. I had to be at work at three. It was two forty-five. The woman in front of me was taking her good sweet time producing the payment for her choices.

I looked down at a refridgerated case next to the cashier line.

I saw some bottles that were emblazoned with the words: “Moet et Chandon”.

All of a sudden, finger-snaps started playing my head.

Sonofabitch. That’s what Freddie Mercury was singing about the whole time! I heard the words a million times before but couldn’t understand them.

I never knew what the hell he was saying!

Moet et Chandon!….Champagne!…of course!!

$53 bucks a bottle!….shuhh.

Just gimme my Chuckles and milk.

…and you learn something new everyday, don’t ya?

Moet et Chandon.

Who knew?

Anyway….

“I’m all lost in the supermarket,
I can no longer shop happily,
I came in here for that special offer,
A guaranteed personality…”

The Clash
Lost In The Supermarket

Hell has indeed frozen over.

Lebron James returned to Cleveland, Tommy Ramone died…and I found myself standing in a “Whole Foods” outlet.

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Yes, my friends, hell has frozen over.

Whole Foods is this place where you go when you want to pay expensive prices for food that tastes rather bland. That’s not a knock on the store. I think the tragedy at play here is that I was actually in it without really needing to be.

Given a choice between a Big Mac and some Arthur Treacher’s fried fish and chips (with hushpuppies), I would enthusiastically take them both and think it absolutely normal to do so.

Let’s face it. I was in there under duress, OK? There. I said it. Someone made me go there with them.

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Here’s the thing I want to underscore here. What you have in there are millennial hippies. They work there. They are patrons of the place. Some of the guys that work there have that Amish beard thing goin’ on. They wear the color tan. Do you know what I’m talking about? Sometimes they wear polo shirts with striped colors,….but the strange thing about that? The colors of the stripes seem amazingly dull. They have pierced ears and semi long hair. They no doubt ride their vintage Schwinn’s to work when the weather is conducive to it.

My question is simply this:

Is this what the millennial hippies of 2014 aspire to in their walk of life? To sell and buy over-priced bland food?

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If it is, that’s not necessarily a bad goal to to have. I am totally down if they are happy at their vocation. I really am. Not too many people find the work that they want to do these days. (If they can find work at all)

The thing is, they looked happy. Probably more happy than I look at my job. So, in essence, I was a bit jealous of them.

That’s alright. I don’t eat healthy as a habit. Being a Teamster, eating healthy is somewhat akin to a cat taking a bath. I would rather die than do it and you will get the same ear-splitting histrionics out of me as you would a cat with an impending water bath. Ugliness afoot all around.

It was just a dashed odd observation, that’s all.

They had everything there however. I’ll give them that. They even had,…what is it?….organic beer there?

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It was then that I felt as if I was in a museum. I looked in awe, studied it and knew it was well out of my price range,…so I better not touch it. But it sure was interesting to look at,….knowing I could never have it….by choice and by pocketbook.

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It was an odd day, to say the least.

Right before we went in there, we had just dined at a place that served us something called a “crab-stack” and “Creme cilantro chicken with red-skinned potatoes with roasted corn and cheese”.

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There’s the old adage: “Don’t go shopping hungry. You spend less if you eat first.”

This is the one exception to the rule. Even if I was hungry, I wouldn’t have bought anything in the place.

My other half, however,….did.

With extreme predjudice.

Anyway,…

“Sometimes it’s hard to believe,
That you’re never coming back to me.
I’ve had this dream that you’d always be by my side.
Oh, I could have died.

But now I see that you’re so happy.
And ooh, it just sets me free.
And I’d like to see,
Us as good of friends,
As we used to be,….”

Wilson Phillips
You’re In Love

I had to make the move today. It had to be done. I hate starting over but it’s a fact of life. It happens to the best of us, I guess.

I had to change the pass-codes on all of my devices today. I couldn’t bear typing in that same four-digit number again. Today was the day that it had to end.

I might miss 7734 in the future. I don’t know. The number has served me well since it’s been with me. It’s nothing against the number itself, of course. It’s just that the chemistry between us has grown stagnant in recent days. It was always there for me when I needed it….like when I would be standing in a checkout and there would be someone taking their good sweet time in front of me. 7734 was always there to help open up the wonders of electronic connectivity to the world that was just beyond where I currently stood.

It’s not 7734. It’s me and my selfishness that is to blame. I know this. But it’s better to have been served by 7734 than not at all! I would’ve missed so much of the world had it not been for 7734

I loved 7734.

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There were also those great instances in which 7734 would actually let me by-pass itself. It gave me the freedom to soar without choking me with inane legalities. If I ever wanted to use the calculator or the camera on the fly, 7734 was always fine with that. If I had to check under the hood on a rainy night, 7734 was there with the flashlight. That number always knew what was important and what wasn’t.

7734 always knew what was best for me.

If I wanted to access my personal information, it made sure I had it’s proper sequence before I did….and that’s ok. I trusted 7734 to always look out for my best interests all the time. 7734 always made damn sure I had it’s number before it would let me flit Higgledy-Piggledy onto Facebook, YouTube and even this blog you’re now currently reading….providing that you even got this far into this post.

(Which, by now, is pretty much a miracle in and of itself…..T’a’int it?)

I loved 7734….but I had to move on. Our relationship had become somewhat trite and banal. It was time for a change. I’m the bad guy in this scenario. I don’t deny it. I just had to walk away. Some of you may call me a coward,…I suppose I deserve that.

Anyway,…

“The grocery store’s the super mart,
uh huh
Little girls still break their hearts,
uh huh
And men still keep on marching off to war,
Electrically they keep a baseball score,…”


The Beat Goes On
Sonny And Cher

‘Tis the ending of another banal 7 day week. Nothing portends evil like the waking moment of a clammy and cold October Monday morning,…but, alas, that is a mere two days away and I have less on my plate tonight then I did when I started this odyssey in the early afternoon hours of this particular day.

I had to run to the bank and was forced to tarry there (far longer than I wanted to) due to the fact that it took four tellers to attend to the man that was parked outside in the drive-through,….no doubt attending to multiple (and possibly questionable) transactions from the comfort and safety of his own vehicle.

I was patently ignored. The man who actually got out of his vehicle and took the time to walk into said bank,…was, indeed, put on hold in favor of the ne’er-do-well who thought it perfectly ok to not leave his vehicle whilst conducting MULTIPLE transactions.

After my business there was complete, I motored over to my other bank so as to withdraw some farthings that might be needed during the course of this fine autumnal evening.

I withdrew the 20 bucks from the ATM and went on my way.

Has my life really sunk to this? Go to the bank, pay bills, go get a 20 spot that I can’t afford and then get a cheap sandwich to lunch upon while I work my increasingly boring job?

That’s all fine and good. I don’t care. I pay the bills and keep food on the table. I should be grateful for that,…not being in the red and all,…it’s just the dashed balmy-ness of it all.

I will do something crazy here and just take a random picture of something. How’s that?

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My Paul McCartney bass laying on dirty socks and underwear near the dresser in my room. That was pretty exciting, wasn’t it? (I actually left it there because I will be recording a soundtrack for a movie on Sunday during the Steelers/Browns game.)

I did a list of ailments this week. (I bet you’re glad your reading this post, aren’t you?) I have determined that my left forefinger hurts sometimes and that my jaw pops. The jaw has never done that before. The finger comes and goes,…but the jaw has never done that before. It only pops at work. Not when I get home. I have to wonder if it’s stress or something. It kinda hurts when it does that….I don’t know.

I think the root of the problem is that I miss the 1970s. I am not old. I’m just nostalgic. I love nostalgia…but that’s for another post, I suppose.

Nothing like that Farrah Fawcett poster though.

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Beyonce has nothing on her. Beyonce struts her ass all over the stage and then lights up the word “Feminist”.

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Yeah.

Uhhh,…

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Yeah, right. Really?

Gwenyth Paltrow just cooed to Obama that he was “so handsome that she can’t speak properly”.

(Pause)

Ok. Now how many of you think I’m a boring old fart because I miss the 70’s?

Anyway,….

So on we go,…
His welfare is of my concern.
No burden is he to bear,
We’ll get there.

For I know,
He would not encumber me.
He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother….”


The Hollies
He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother

Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Texas) announced on Thursday that he has filed a resolution directing the House sergeant-at-arms to “arrest Lois Lerner for contempt of Congress” over the IRS targeting scandal.

Stockman said in a statement that asking the U.S. Department of Justice to prosecute Lerner for “admittedly illegal activity” is a “joke.” Instead, the Republican said it is up to the U.S. House to “uphold the rule of law and hold accountable those who illegally targeted American citizens for simply having different ideas than the President.”

Under the proposed resolution, Lerner would be held in a Washington, D.C., jail and would be given access to an attorney and all her constitutional rights.

All her Constitutional rights. She has access to all her Constitutional rights. How patently ironic it is, isn’t it? The same document that she wants to destroy is the one that she needs to hide behind. I would love to be a fly on that wall when they come to take her. (Which they probably never will, of course. To arrest means to charge. To charge means to pardon and that’s what she will undoubtedly get from the Obama administration.)

But!….on the flip side of that? I would love to see her in handcuffs and sitting in the back of a police car just once! That would be the ultimate photo-op for the up coming mid-term TV commercials.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about here. I really wanted to talk about Lois in a more serious and refined manner. The fact of the matter is that Lois has more pressing problems than simply being arrested by Congress for targeting the tea-party. This revelation delves into absolute madness, my friends.

The thing I want to talk about is the Lerner doppleganger factor. This can potentially have a damaging effect on her future career choices if it ever comes to light….if she ever sees the light of day again and in the highly improbable chance that she may ever have a career again.

I am speaking, of course, about the Golem factor.

The year? 1920! The country? Germany! The star? Paul Wegener! The Movie? The GOLEM!!!

(I have to point out that the comparisons are not for the faint of heart.)

It can also be said that the Golem was actually a good guy….unlike Lerner who,…umm,….how shall I say this?

“ISN’T”

Be that as it may, let’s just take a look at this incredible doppelganger freak of nature, shall we?

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Lois Lerner (left) The Golem (right)

The hairstyle is almost exactly the same, isn’t it, kids? Freaky, to say the least. The golem looks a little more approachable however.

Moving on….

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The Golem,…I mean Lois Lerner (left) The Golem (right)

They both carry purses in their left hands. That means they both must be left handed! Dopplegangers who have the same primary hand! What are the odds of that?!!…and they wear the same jacket!!!

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Lois Lerner (left) The Golem (right)

They both have a look of defiance on their face here. Lois’s defiance is at Congress,…like a petulant spoiled child….The Golem’s look says, “You want to get it on, you stupid democrats? I’ll smack the taste outta your mouth. Bring it on you punks!”

Geez. You can hardly tell the two apart. They’re brothers from different mothers.

Anyway,….

“So take the photographs, and still-frames in your mind.
Hang it on the shelf of good health and good time.
Tattoo’s of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right,
I hope you had the time of your life….”


Green Day
Good Riddance (The Time Of Your Life)

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Know what I miss?

Motorcycle cops. They just don’t exist anymore, do they? They’d pull up next to you at a stoplight and then they would look to the right or left and then give you one of those silent, almost imperceptible nods as if to say, “Hey. What’s goin’ on, man?”…..from behind mirrored sunglasses and from behind a mustache. I miss that.

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Now, our police are militarized. They drive tanks and Humvees. They need them to carry stun guns and AR-15s and that kinda shit…..They’re not as personable when they drive those. They still look to the right and to the left,…it’s just that,…umm,…you don’t.

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Know what I miss?

Carburetors. That finely designed and fragile fuel-injection artifact that could take all sorts of heavy-duty abuse. Nothing could be better on a frigid winter morning than to walk out of your house with a freakin’ can of ether in one hand and a freakin’ “Goody” comb in the other. You pop the hood to your Chevelle, take off the BIG, ROUND AIR CLEANER, pop that rocker back and spray that ether into your carb. You stick the ass end of the “Goody” comb in to hold the rocker in place, jump into your car and fire it up, replace the air filter and you’re on your way, baby. (This action, btw, would take 15 seconds.)

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Now, we have the E-checks. There’s a computer in your car that you are REGULATED to have checked (at certain intervals) to see if there is any hi-jinks going on in the car when the EPA isn’t looking. This organization’s sole purpose is to be a watch dog over your automobile. If they detect ether, you don’t get your stickers, Mister!! And you will pay a mechanic dearly as penance.

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Know what I miss? T.V’s (Television’s)”The Flying Nun”. Sally Field was so great as that tiny troublemaking nun that could fly when she lifted up her little nun,…habit,…hat…thing. I miss that. She would be shooting marbles with dirty little orphans and, at a moment’s notice, she would be flying through mountains to get to the scene of some untowardly actions so she can single-handedly take down a Peruvian drug lord. I miss that. I miss “The Flying Nun”.

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Now we have The Little Kardashian Sisters Of The Poor doing sex on the internet with Vegas taking odds on how long one or two of the marriages would last along with battles in court to keep “The Flying Nun” off the air in re-runs because the atheists are supposedly “offended” by her presence on THEIR air waves.

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Know what I miss?

The Clash. The only band that mattered and who sweated onstage to make a living and a change. These guys played Bonds in NYC for two weeks straight because the promotor “oversold” all of the shows. They wanted to honor every last ticket sold so they stayed until every last fan was played to. (1982)

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Now we have Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus “who just don’t like going to work”,….as said so very appropriately by Sir Paul McCartney. They were chastised by him! Chastised, I say! Chastised by Sir Paul himself!!

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Know what I miss?

I miss the days when you could actually buy vinyl. The art work on the album cover was always second to none. Hell, I miss the days when you could actually buy a cassette tape. Hell, I even miss the days when you could buy a CD!

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Now we have downloadable music that can’t be burned to a CD and can only be listened to on certain “devices” that you have to prove you own before you can do it.

Know what I miss?

Everything.

Anyway,…

“So I walk up on high,
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself,…”


Collective Soul
The World I Know

What does it mean when I wake up and have visual flashes that I am falling off a sky-scraper or out of a plane? It’s like vertigo, and I always wake up that way now. Any idea?

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Anyway,….

“Ooooh, I hear laughter in the rain,
walkin’ hand in hand with,
the one I love….”


Neil Sedaka
Laughter In The Rain

Here are the top ten things I learned today:

10. Neil Sedaka sounds like chick when he sings “Laughter In The Rain”. Why is that? He sounds like Toni Tennille. It’s rather disconcerting. It really makes me question my sexuality when I hear that song because of the whole “Boy George Syndrome”. So Bogus, man. (I think a chick is singing to me and then I realize it’s a dude. Bogus.)

9. My Dr. wanted to check my sugar the last time I visited him. I begged off on that. To circumvent the $400 lab fee, I got one of those little devices that does it for you. Considerably cheaper.

8. Where the hell is Flight 370? (I put that here because no-one else is reporting on it anymore….talk amongst yourselves….)

7. The color yellow irritates me.

6. Hebrew National hot dogs ain’t all that. They’re good,…but they ain’t all that.

5. If your room faces the south in the summertime, you will, no matter what, wake up sweltering. Even if the air is set at a balmy 71 degrees. You will be picking the crotch of your underwear out of the crack of your butt upon waking.

4. Good-Looking chicks that need no make-up simply need no make-up. Ever. I mean, there is no point, right? I am begging you,….don’t waste your time. You’re hot enough.

3. A Payday candy bar might be the world’s most perfect food….next to Ramen.

2. You never believe a dog is blind or deaf until you open the fridge and it hits them in the face because they can’t see it or hear it opening….but it does beg the question,…why are they looking at a refrigerator door all the time?

1. Where the hell is Flight 370? (I put that here because no-one else is reporting on it anymore….talk amongst yourselves….)

Anyway,….

“Good night, good night, everybody…
Everybody….everywhere…
Good night…”


The Beatles
Goodnight

It’s amazing how little can be accomplished if you just simply put your mind to it. I mean, really, if you set about to imitate a three-toed sloth, if you really put your mind to it, you can accomplish it and have a certain feeling of satisfaction that you actually succeeded in something by merely being focused.

Today, for instance, I never once donned regular clothes. I simply never got out of my pajamas at all today. People were outside cleaning grills, hosing down patios, listening to music, drinking beer and eating outside with family and friends. The smell of charcoal burning was in the air and it was in abundance.

I sat at my kitchen table over a bottle of Starbucks Iced coffee, that someone gave me the day prior, because I was just too lazy to make an actual pot of coffee. It required too much effort. I ate a raw cucumber that still had the peel and ends on it. It required to much effort to actually cook something today. And I don’t really like big cucumbers to begin with. It was there though. If I had small cucumbers, that would be smashing. I like small cucumbers…but, alas, I had to throw them out because my lazy ass never got around to eating them.

Even though I woke up at 11 am, I was ready for a nap at 12:10 pm. I laid back down and hit the on button for the stereo. I was hoping that the Tommy James CD that was in there a couple of weeks ago was still in there. I was looking forward to Crystal Blue Persuasion lulling me back to sleep,…but no, when the CD started playing, it was Kiss’s third album from 1973. It was “Dressed To Kill”. I listened to that through the song “Room Service” and then hit the off button.

(I had forgotten I put that in there Monday.)

It took all my energy to simply flip the cover of my ipad up. I pointed at the youtube icon. I then pointed at the history button,…because I sure wasn’t going to do a search for anything. That would surely exhaust what minimal reserves I had left. These were my choices:

How to fix a leaky bathtub: 17 minutes
Epic Girl Fails, 2013: 1:27:14 minutes
The Proper Way To Fit A Bra: 11 minutes
Let It Be by The Beatles: 4min3 seconds
Elvira’s Bloopers: 10 minutes
Watergate: 1 hour, 35 minutes
Music Mike’s Piano Tutorial of Maybe I’m Amazed By Paul McCartney part one: 11 minutes
Fawn Hall: Where Is She Now? 7min14 seconds
Tammy Faye Bakker’s 40th Birthday On PTL: 2 hours
Rain on a Tin Roof/ Ambient sleep sounds: 10 hours

I chose the rain on a tin roof video. That sounded like something that could lull me back to slumber. As soon as it started, I realized I had to pee. I had to get up, make the trek to the can, do my business and go lay back down again. Energy-wise, that exhausted me. I could hear my neighbors talking outside about what a wonderful day it was.

I thought that if I just laid still, sleep would overcome my being. The fans were blowing and the world was a perfect storm for sleep. The room was windy and cool.

Then the dog came scratching at my door. I yelled at her to knock it off. The neighbors then got really quiet because they thought I was talking to them since my window was open and about 7 feet from where they currently sat.

I fell asleep. I awoke at 5 pm. I made my way to the fridge and ate a slice of cold cheese. (Colby-jack)

As I stood there swaying,…eating a slice of cold cheese,…I began to worry about my sugar level. It was 5:30 pm and I was sill in my PJ’s and still tired as hell.

I spied another bottle of Starbuck’s so I cracked that and drank it down in one fell swoop.

I then began to speed like nobody’s business. I made some Beer-Battered Cod, peas, a salad,….wolfed it down,…and then was ready for bed again.

The cod, however, caused me a certain distress in the form of acid-indigestion. I took two tums,…and then wrote this.

I simply have nothing more to add to this day except that I should never have gotten up to begin with….

Maybe I won’t tomorrow. We’ll see.

Anyway,….

“You almost had your hooks in me, didn’t you, dear,
You nearly had me roped and tied,
Altar-bound, hypnotized,
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear,
You’re a butterfly,
And butterflies are free to fly,
Fly away, high away, bye, bye,….”


Elton John
Someone Saved My Life Tonight

The Top Ten things I learned today:

10. “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” by Elton John goes on a bit too long. Like 6 minutes and 44 seconds too long…..(Oh, that’s the entire length of the song?….I stand by my statement.)

9. Jay Carney really bit it this time. Turns out he was a recipient of that email. Who woulda figgered?

8. There really is nothing like McDonald’s french fries. It seems all pale in comparison. It’s true. Just admit it and get on with your lives.

7. I really, truly love this pic. I’m thinking of making it an 8X10.

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6. I can’t function without my old man glasses at work,…..which were purchased at CVS for 8 dollars. 8 dollar glasses help me make the critical airplane parts that you all ride on. (Think about that for a minute…..and then be very, very frightened.)

5. Rod Stewart has no place in current society,….in any form.

4. When a woman has a hole in her jeans at her knee, why do I feel like a perv when I see flesh there? Like knee-flesh is forbidden?

3. I wish to go back in time when there were no pot-holes,….wait a minute,…..that would be the 1870’s, wouldn’t it? Nevermind…

2. Now that disco has passed from our collective consciousness, I really feel like I can appreciate it a bit more.

1. When I deposit 50 cents into the coffee machine at work and no cup comes out, you would think I would learn my lesson. No. I am a hard learner.

Anyway,…