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Category Archives: Recipes

“Got no woman,
or a steady job.
Feeling like a cowboy
and looking like a slob….”


The Rutles
Living In Hope

Hey. What’s goin’ on?

When it comes to my job, I thought that I had seen it all…but no.

This was a classic.

The other day when I was rushing’ around to go to work, I hastily packed a lunch. It was three baby back ribs from Aldi’s. They were leftover from the weekend. They were pretty good ribs considering that I only paid 6 bucks for an entire slab of ’em. They were pre-cooked and bathed in BBQ sauce and were just the thing to hit the spot at 8 pm on a summer evening.

I had made 5 ribs the night before for my midnight meal and these three were the leftovers from that dinner.

Anyway, as I was searching the cupboards to find a container, I ran into a small snag. I couldn’t put it in my pink tupperware bowl because the ribs themselves were too large to fit in this particular round container. I moved on to a disposable Ziploc container that I had bought at Aldi’s… one of those clear things with the blue lid….this proved to be too large and would take up too much real estate in my backpack.

I then found a smaller Ziploc container and this proved to be too small as well. (But the ribs would “go” into the container-with a little force-so this was to be the container that I would use.)

I shoved the ribs into it, got the lid on it, threw it into my backpack and headed off to work.

I went into work, put my lunch into the fridge and set about my day.

At 8 pm, (which is our union sanctioned lunchbreak) I went to get the ribs. As I was walking over to the microwave I couldn’t help but notice that the container seemed a tad light.

That was weird.

I opened the container and was distressed to find that there were only two ribs in it. I stood there looking at it for a minute or two…because my brain was desperately trying to process what had taken place between the hours of 3:30 and 8…

That someone actually stole one rib from my lunch.

Paul (the guy I eat my lunch with) came over to stare into my twisted container with me after he noticed my facial distress from afar. I told him that somebody actually ate one of the ribs out of the container. He started laughing and when I didn’t start laughing with him, he really began to believe that I was actually serious.

I said, “Dude,…I put three bones in this thing at three o’clock and now there’s two”.

He looked at the container, which was all bent and and kind of twisted from me trying to get the three bones in there, and he even deduced that it looked like it held somethin’ more than the two bones that currently resided.

We stood there looking at each other as to try and make sense of the current critical situation.

Is it possible that I was mistaken?

No!

I transferred three bones into three different containers before I left the house! There was no question that there were three bones in there!

And now there was two!

Now, since the thought that someone pawed over my lunch was just too un-appetizing for me to comprehend, I took the remaining bones and threw them out and sat and pouted while Paul ate his boloney and ketchup sandwich.

Not much was said during our lunch break…but the latent underlying issue was still there.

Who…would actually go into someone else’s lunch…and eat just one spare-rib?

I knew it wasn’t Paul because…well…it’s Paul.

Paul doesn’t go in the fridge cause it’s a dark and scary place. I don’t like to go in the fridge because it’s a dark and scary place…but since meat has this “thing” about being refrigerated, I have to put my lunch in there.

I really don’t think this was a personal affront because my name wasn’t on the container and no one saw me put it in there. I think this was just someone who was hungry and decided to rummage aound in the fridge to see what there was to gnosh.

Isn’t that a bit scary?

How many times have I put something in there that I DIDN’T know was pawed over before lunchtime? If I brought spaghetti, how would I know that someone didn’t stand there eating it with his or her own bare hands?

Is this an isolated incident or is this something that is running rampant?

You can’t tell management about something like this either. They would just look at you like you were crazy…or laugh…or quickly dismiss it out of hand because they actually KNOW who did it and are working hard at trying to protect the guilty party. Trying to protect one of their own, as it were.

Paul speculated that it might be the president of the company.

I dismissed it because the president of the company, on that particular day, was wearing a powder blue shirt and no one in their right mind would eat BBQ spareribs while wearing a powder blue shirt. Too much room for error.

He agreed.

No, I think this was someone “on the floor”, as it were. Someone who knew the inner-machinations and the dietary habits of the people and their environs. Someone who has access to the fridge and could go in there unfettered. Someone who could pretend like they’re looking for his or her own lunch when, in reality, they’re actually just standing there pawing over and eating other people’s food.

This is a guy who could blend into the background. A guy who would say “Sup” as you walked by. A guy who can strike and disappear.

I walked around the plant looking in the various garbage cans placed hither and yon…to see if I could find a discarded rib-bone perched majestically upon a mound a refuse…but it was to no avail.

This kind of put a damper on the rest of the night…for Paulie as well. He went over to the bulletin board and pulled down a memo from the president. It was about some stolen material and what they’re going do when they get their hands on the guilty party.

He xeroxed it and, on the copy, crossed out the part where it says “stolen copper braiding” and wrote in “stolen rib-bone”.

Even though I laughed, I was still kind of depressed about it.

(pause)

I just feel so violated.

Anyway…

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“And no one knows a thing about my life,
I can come and go as I please,
And if I want to, I can stay,
Oh, or if I want to, I can leave,
Nobody knows me, Nobody knows me,
Nobody knows me Oh, oh…”


Morrisey
Jack the Ripper

Here are the top ten things I learned this week:

10. They still haven’t found that plane. Between the DHS, the TSA, the NSA,….they still couldn’t find that plane. CNN seems to think it was sucked up by a black hole apparently. (CNN, if you have nothing constructive to say, just keep your big yap shut, ok? We know you’re hurting in the ratings, but don’t run at the mouth, ok?) Tell you what,…I’ll give them my phone. It can tell me exactly where I am on the planet. It can also tell me exactly where I need to go on the planet. It’s theirs….if it means the people are still alive and sitting in a hangar somewhere,….which they probably are. Cripes, almighty,….losers lose a plane. Unbelievable. It’s tonnage!!! TONNAGE!!!!

9.I have to make a recipe for a vegan tomorrow. I’m scared. I have never heard of the ingredients. Quinoa, nori, ferro, lentils. This frightens me. I might have to serve the vegan cucumbers and tomatoes if this doesn’t pan out. I’m gonna need nerves of steel to pull this off. i can just hear the theme song for Mission Impossible playing while I make it.

8. Lizzie Borden was one cold woman. She had the fortitude to actually lay that axe into her old man’s head. I had to go see her a few years ago. She was nice. We played War. I won. We talked a bit….

7. It was suggested that I shave my beard today. My response?….”That would uncover a whole lot of ugly”.

6. The rig. It’s all plugged in and it works.

yeah, baby.

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5. I remain the last person in my neighborhood who has yet to cut his grass. I guess that makes me the official hill-billy for the next year,….again.

4. I got rid of my seat covers that were emblazoned with “The Who”. It was just time. They looked stupid. What am I? Ten?

3. I cleaned my car out and finally found my CD, ‘Annie Lennox’s Greatest Hits”….It’s about time.

2. Jack the Ripper was a bad-ass. What a name, huh? “Jack the Ripper”. That’s like the genius of naming a band, “The Clash”.

1. Think I’ll uncover a “whole lot of ugly” today.

Anyway,…

“If some of ya’ll never been down South too much…
I’m gonna tell you a little bit about this, so that you’ll understand,
What I’m talking about,….”

Elvis
Polk Salad Annie

A few years ago, I had seen a cooking show in which Elvis’s cook demonstrated the making of Elvis’s favorite sandwich. This is the real deal. It’s been a staple in my house ever since. It is truly decadent.

Here are the ingredients you will need:

1 banana
4 teaspoons of peanut butter
brown sugar
butter
2 slices of Italian bread.

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Take the butter and butter up one side of each slice of bread.

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Place a generous amount of brown sugar on the buttered side of each slice of bread. Most of the brown sugar will adhere to the bread due to the adhesive nature of the butter.

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Place in pan with the buttered and brown sugared side down. Don’t worry if a bit of brown sugar falls off while flipping it. It will still be put to good use.

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Dissect banana. Should a small dog appear like what just happened here, just ignore him. He just had some kibble.

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Peel banana and place into small bowl. Continue to ignore the filthy little beggar with the sad eyes.

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Smash banana until it becomes almost like baby food. The banana will take on a wet-like consistency. This is to be desired. Continue to ignore the fat bastard to the right.

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Spread peanut butter on dry side of bread that is in pan. I like to use crunchy, but if you don’t like that, creamy works just as well. I would not use organic peanut butter however. I believe Elvis would disavow that in his sandwiches.

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Place smashed banana onto one side of the peanut-buttered bread, then top with a small amount of brown sugar. This will give a certain sweetness to the banana mixture.

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Place in pan and grill fry over medium heat,..like you would a grilled cheese. The brown sugar on the other side of the bread will begin to crystalize. This is to be desired for crunch effect.

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Flip together and grill the both sides of the sandwich. You will notice the brown sugar taking on a harder texture due to the heat. That’s what’s considered as being, “the good stuff”,…oh, yeah.

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Once the sandwich is grilled throughly on both sides, remove and place on a cutting board.

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Dissect the sandwich at the corners. The peanut butter/banana paste may spill out a bit due to the pressure of the knife. This is to be desired for presentation.

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Serve promptly with a garnishment of a dill pickle and a packet of natural cane turbinado sugar. An ice cold root-beer would be a good choice of a beverage to go with this meal.

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And that’s that!

Easy enough.

(Oh, alright, already!! Give him some! How can you turn that hungry face away? Geez. What a beggar! I hope he chokes on it!)

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Anyway,…