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“You can run all your life
And not go anywhere…”

Social Distortion
Ball and Chain….”

I really can’t believe how badly this week had gone for me.

Just saying because nothing else need to be said…

Anyway….

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“Ooooh, I hear laughter in the rain,
walkin’ hand in hand with,
the one I love….”


Neil Sedaka
Laughter In The Rain

Here are the top ten things I learned today:

10. Neil Sedaka sounds like chick when he sings “Laughter In The Rain”. Why is that? He sounds like Toni Tennille. It’s rather disconcerting. It really makes me question my sexuality when I hear that song because of the whole “Boy George Syndrome”. So Bogus, man. (I think a chick is singing to me and then I realize it’s a dude. Bogus.)

9. My Dr. wanted to check my sugar the last time I visited him. I begged off on that. To circumvent the $400 lab fee, I got one of those little devices that does it for you. Considerably cheaper.

8. Where the hell is Flight 370? (I put that here because no-one else is reporting on it anymore….talk amongst yourselves….)

7. The color yellow irritates me.

6. Hebrew National hot dogs ain’t all that. They’re good,…but they ain’t all that.

5. If your room faces the south in the summertime, you will, no matter what, wake up sweltering. Even if the air is set at a balmy 71 degrees. You will be picking the crotch of your underwear out of the crack of your butt upon waking.

4. Good-Looking chicks that need no make-up simply need no make-up. Ever. I mean, there is no point, right? I am begging you,….don’t waste your time. You’re hot enough.

3. A Payday candy bar might be the world’s most perfect food….next to Ramen.

2. You never believe a dog is blind or deaf until you open the fridge and it hits them in the face because they can’t see it or hear it opening….but it does beg the question,…why are they looking at a refrigerator door all the time?

1. Where the hell is Flight 370? (I put that here because no-one else is reporting on it anymore….talk amongst yourselves….)

Anyway,….

“Take it easy….”

The Eagles
Take It Easy

Here are the top ten things I learned today:

10. They still haven’t found that plane and now they told the sad families to go back home. What does that even mean? That they stopped looking for this errant piece of tonnage? It’s a huge plane! Are you telling me the NSA can’t even find it? What the hell are we paying them for?

9. The attraction of a sports bar is completely lost on me. Six Tv’s tuned to different stations, each with blaring audio. It’s not a place to take your best girl to when you break the news to her that you have cancer….while noshing on some red hot Buffalo Wings and kicking back beers.

8. For the past few weeks, I have suffered the embarrassment of having only ten dollars to put in my gas tank. Each time it asks me to put in my zip code,…as if a thief would only get ten dollars of gas on a stolen credit card.

7. Day three. No cups in the coffee machine again. Bastard.

6. Ramen Noodles can almost be considered a perfect food. Like Soylent Green wafers and oranges.

5. They will be taking a vote in the house to set up a committee to investigate
Benghazi this week. This should be interesting. Trey Gowdy is supposed to be the chairperson. I’d buy tickets for that.

4. I am reading Pete Townshend’s autobiography. In it, he says that when Keith Moon died, Phil Collins offered The Who his services and was turned down. Had Mr. Townshend accepted, he would have spared us from all that top 40 pop crap that Genesis devolved into in the 80’s. Thanks, Pete! (Abacab!)

3.The chick is still wearing those jeans! Holes in the knees and showing off knee flesh! Damn!

2. Hillary got a shoe thrown at her. I say, “It’s about time, huh, kids?”

1. She also confused it with a bat. Not sure if it was the animal or the sports implement….was she referencing Ozzy?

Anyway,…..

“You almost had your hooks in me, didn’t you, dear,
You nearly had me roped and tied,
Altar-bound, hypnotized,
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear,
You’re a butterfly,
And butterflies are free to fly,
Fly away, high away, bye, bye,….”


Elton John
Someone Saved My Life Tonight

The Top Ten things I learned today:

10. “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” by Elton John goes on a bit too long. Like 6 minutes and 44 seconds too long…..(Oh, that’s the entire length of the song?….I stand by my statement.)

9. Jay Carney really bit it this time. Turns out he was a recipient of that email. Who woulda figgered?

8. There really is nothing like McDonald’s french fries. It seems all pale in comparison. It’s true. Just admit it and get on with your lives.

7. I really, truly love this pic. I’m thinking of making it an 8X10.

image

6. I can’t function without my old man glasses at work,…..which were purchased at CVS for 8 dollars. 8 dollar glasses help me make the critical airplane parts that you all ride on. (Think about that for a minute…..and then be very, very frightened.)

5. Rod Stewart has no place in current society,….in any form.

4. When a woman has a hole in her jeans at her knee, why do I feel like a perv when I see flesh there? Like knee-flesh is forbidden?

3. I wish to go back in time when there were no pot-holes,….wait a minute,…..that would be the 1870’s, wouldn’t it? Nevermind…

2. Now that disco has passed from our collective consciousness, I really feel like I can appreciate it a bit more.

1. When I deposit 50 cents into the coffee machine at work and no cup comes out, you would think I would learn my lesson. No. I am a hard learner.

Anyway,…

“I may be vile and pernicious,
But you can’t look away,
I make you think I’m delicious,
With the stuff that I say,
I’m the best you can get,
Have you guessed me yet?
I’m the slime oozin’ out,
From your TV set,….”


Frank Zappa
I’m The Slime

The top ten things I learned this week:

10. I find it ironic that the guy from the LA Clippers gets recorded without his knowledge talking about “blacks” and gets banned for life by the NBA,….yet Mark Furhman knew he was being recorded and used the “N”-word with reckless abandon,…yet, he is now the ultimate go-to talking-head guy who has numerous book deals. He is the only one of that whole trial that has triumphed….repeatedly. Why?
The mind boggles.

9. I haven’t met a dog yet that doesn’t like sharp cheddar cheese. I know, like, a million dogs and they all like sharp cheddar cheese.

8. I believe that the song, “A Day In The Life” is probably the finest Lennon and McCartney song ever recorded. I welcome discussions about that.

7. There is something truly sublime about a well-constructed hamburger. It can be simple and elegant, yet sloppy and decadent. It’s the construction that matters…..except for that STOOOOPID BIG KING that they sell at Burger King. That has to be the worst hamburger on the face of the planet! Don’t buy it. It’s a rip-off of the Big Mac without all the nuances of a Big Mac. It sucks!!! Just go to McDonald’s. Geez. Such a dumb hamburger….

6. I find that if I don’t “ball” my socks up into pairs after I do laundry, I really question the cleanliness of a single sock when I pull it out of a drawer.

5.I recently came to the conclusion that my autographs of Bob Woodward and G. Gordon Liddy are my most prized autographs. They are under the same piece of glass. And they both addressed me personally….so I know it’s not an auto-pen.

4. I played my piano for four hours straight last Sunday. That must mean I am making my way out of my depression…even though I have to cut my grass and the forecast says rain for the next four days. That’s called, “teetering”. That’s enough to send me crashing back down.

3. Doris Day is still alive. Why?

2. I bought a six pound can of green beans this week. Why? Because I could,…and the fact that it was only three dollars.

1. Psychopaths usually have an encyclopedic knowledge of music. I don’t know why this is.

Anyway,….

“And no one knows a thing about my life,
I can come and go as I please,
And if I want to, I can stay,
Oh, or if I want to, I can leave,
Nobody knows me, Nobody knows me,
Nobody knows me Oh, oh…”


Morrisey
Jack the Ripper

Here are the top ten things I learned this week:

10. They still haven’t found that plane. Between the DHS, the TSA, the NSA,….they still couldn’t find that plane. CNN seems to think it was sucked up by a black hole apparently. (CNN, if you have nothing constructive to say, just keep your big yap shut, ok? We know you’re hurting in the ratings, but don’t run at the mouth, ok?) Tell you what,…I’ll give them my phone. It can tell me exactly where I am on the planet. It can also tell me exactly where I need to go on the planet. It’s theirs….if it means the people are still alive and sitting in a hangar somewhere,….which they probably are. Cripes, almighty,….losers lose a plane. Unbelievable. It’s tonnage!!! TONNAGE!!!!

9.I have to make a recipe for a vegan tomorrow. I’m scared. I have never heard of the ingredients. Quinoa, nori, ferro, lentils. This frightens me. I might have to serve the vegan cucumbers and tomatoes if this doesn’t pan out. I’m gonna need nerves of steel to pull this off. i can just hear the theme song for Mission Impossible playing while I make it.

8. Lizzie Borden was one cold woman. She had the fortitude to actually lay that axe into her old man’s head. I had to go see her a few years ago. She was nice. We played War. I won. We talked a bit….

7. It was suggested that I shave my beard today. My response?….”That would uncover a whole lot of ugly”.

6. The rig. It’s all plugged in and it works.

yeah, baby.

image

5. I remain the last person in my neighborhood who has yet to cut his grass. I guess that makes me the official hill-billy for the next year,….again.

4. I got rid of my seat covers that were emblazoned with “The Who”. It was just time. They looked stupid. What am I? Ten?

3. I cleaned my car out and finally found my CD, ‘Annie Lennox’s Greatest Hits”….It’s about time.

2. Jack the Ripper was a bad-ass. What a name, huh? “Jack the Ripper”. That’s like the genius of naming a band, “The Clash”.

1. Think I’ll uncover a “whole lot of ugly” today.

Anyway,…

Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I’m supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.


Priscilla Ahn
Dream

Here are the top ten things I learned this week:

10. For some reason, people want me to watch certain movies because they think “I’ll like it”.

9. It’s nice to ignore a boss who is not your boss. The funny thing is, he never learns.

8. Small cucumbers taste more like cucumbers than regular cucumbers. Why is that?

7. Don’tcha think Gary Gilmore kinda ruined it for everyone that came after him?

6. “I Feel Fine” is probably the most over-played Beatles song ever.

5. A box of Girl Scout Cookies can be killed in one sitting with no problem.

4. When writing a blog post stark naked on your bed, it’s best not to talk about it in the post…..D’oh!!!

3. Cole Slaw on a hot dog doesn’t seem like a good idea,…but it really is.

2. If I could, I would live in Laurel Canyon just because of the name. Laurel Canyon just has a nice ring to it.

1. A big screen TV in a bedroom really does feel like a movie theater.

Anyway,…

“…and you ain’t got to touch a man,
to make a man bleed,…”


Ian Hunter
Just Another Night

image

Here are the top ten things I learned this week:

10. If I drink three Red-Bulls in quick succession, the world takes on a euphoric, taurine-fueled hue that will last for about three hours. After that comes the uncontrollable and emotional outbursts directed at people minding their own business.

9. In a snowstorm, when I go to start my car and turn the windshield wipers on, I have found that the passenger side will squirt the blue juice while the driver’s side will refrain from doing so.

8. I bought a bottle of syrup this week simply because it was called, “Blood Orange”.

7. If I drink three Red-Bulls in quick succession, I have found that I get the uncontrollable giggles for a while. This is bad….especially when the boss is talking to me and is trying to convey something of a serious nature.

7.v.1.1.1. I take in Peeks from rescues until they find their “Forever Home”. I learned that this one kinda grew on me, so I made a film of him:

6. Little Debbie Nutty Bars are the world’s most perfect food. It’s what we’ll be eating on our starships in the not too distant future. (Unless the talking apes become our masters before then.)

5. I have found that it’s really weird to drive down the road while looking at the screen of my dash cam for navigation purposes. It’s like it’s the ultimate middle-man who is gyppin’ you out of the big picture.

4. I have come to the stunning realization that the music of Paul Simon is total garbage. He really, really needs Garfunkel to be any good. It’s like meatloaf and gravy. Under no circumstances should they be consumed separate.

3. I had heard that Mickey Rooney was still alive this week. That, of course, begged the question: Why?

2. I have found that I open myself to ridicule from my co-workers if I order a sandwich that has avocado as the main ingredient. (This also applies to vegetable pizza.)

1. I had to answer a security question while banking online this week. It gave me a multiple choice question of an address that I lived at in my past. I got the question right,…and the year was 1984,…but my name was never on the lease nor did I get my mail delivered there.

Kinda makes you think, don’t it?

Anyway,…

“Yeah, I know I ain’t nobody’s bargain,
But, hell, a little touch up and a little paint…”


Bruce Springsteen
Human touch

Here are the top ten things I learned this week…

10. If you work for a company for forty years and come to work the day your mother dies, you will not even get so much as an acknowledgment on the company bulletin board in the event of your own un-timely death.

9. If you go to the bank to get singles for a twenty dollar bill so you have change for the vending machines, if the teller is female, chances are she will automatically jump to the conclusion that you are going to a strip club….and she will declare that to you,….in front of her co-workers and waiting customers, no less.

8. When your boss asks you what you are working on, the correct answer is anything but, “this Zag-Nut and that Carmel Macchiato.”

7. When you think you’re alone at work, the second you start dancin’ and singin’ to ABBA’s, “Waterloo”,….somebody will magically appear to catch you doing so.

6. When a woman at work begins to regale you with a tale of her trip to the OB/GYN…(complete with descriptions about scopes, lights, probes and fingers),…I have found that there really is nothing that can be added to the conversation. There are no polite rejoinders or questions that can be contributed to the dialogue,…because they are all wrong.

5. A two-litre bottle of “Faygo Red Pop” has amazing accuracy when thrown like a football. (A quick side-note on that? A kidney is an amazingly resilient organ.)

4. If you fall asleep while eating a Dove chocolate, the simple act of waking up takes on a richer hue.

3. Vinyl Records still sound better than tape, disc or mp3 files. The problem with Vinyl records is that you can’t go snowboarding while listening to them.

2. Candy bars, if strategically and carefully hidden in your underwear drawer, will be found by your woman in relatively short order.

1. The Monkees were never the Beatles,….even though they outsold both The Beatles and The Rolling Stones in the year 1967. Rest assured, friends,….they were never the Beatles.

A bonus:

This may be the worst song ever written and played…..Ever.

What’s your top ten?

Anyway,…